Thursday, September 29, 2005
Great Canadian Insult Contest
Some of you may remember an old Monty Python bit where they held a contest to come up with an insulting phrase for Belgians. The contest received many imaginative entries such as Phlegms and Sprouts, but the winning entry was "those damn dirty Belgian bastards."
The Canadian insult lexicon likewise has many notable gaps. How is it that we have gotten through 140 years without coming up with an insult for Ontarians? It is a national disgrace.
So I'm starting a contest to fill in these and other gaps. Winning entries will receive permission to use an icon on their blog boasting "Winner of the Mentok Prize", or some other no-cost prize I can send over the internet.
First, let's review the existing lexicon, although you are welcome to come up with additional insults for these categories:
Quebecers=Frogs
English Canadians=Tête Carré (Square-head)
Newfoundlanders=Newfs, Newfies
Residents of St.John's=Townies
Toronto=Hogtown (only marginally insulting)
Saskatchewanians=Banjo-pickin Hillbillies
Saskatoon=Toon Town, Saskabush, Stoon
Regina=Vagina
BC=Lotus land
Did I miss any? (I purposely left out "Upper Canadians", the Martime phrase for non-Maritimers, and "Bytown" for Ottawa as these phrases are insufficiently pejorative, but perhaps they could be adapted.)
Insults needed (unless otherwise noted, phrase can refer either to the actual place or the residents of it):
Nova Scotia
New Brunswick
PEI
Halifax
Fredericton
Charlottetown
Montreal
Quebec City
ONTARIO
Torontonians
OTTAWA
OTTAWA RESIDENTS
Manitoba
Winnipeg
ALBERTA
Calgary
Edmonton
Vancouver
Victoria
Winning entries will be posted at a later date. Good luck and happy insulting!
Be sure to email this around to ask your friends for ideas. After all, this is a thnly-veiled ploy to drive up hits on my site ;-)
posted by Mentok @ 1:07 p.m.,
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Recipe for a Hurricane Disaster
I feel bad sometimes because the hurricane disaster has provided me with so much comedy material. It really is a horrible tragedy and I'm sure there's a truckload of bad karma connected to making fun of it.
So it's time I gave something back. Not money, mind you, because I'm of Scottish ancestry, which is kind of like being Jewish except you're allowed to make fun of Scots. Also, I can't for the life of me imagine why I should feel responsible for subsidizing the U.S. government and the insurance industry.
But that shouldn't stop you from doing something nice, and I'm happy to help out with ideas.
Invite your friends over for a Hurricane Disaster party. (Imagine how socially conscious your friends will think you are!) For a modest donation (say $5), serve your guests a genuine New Orleans Hurricane cocktail:
- 1.5 ounces light rum
- 1.5 ounces dark rum
- 1 ounce orange juice
- 1 ounce lime juice
- 1/4 cup passion fruit juice
- 1 teaspoon superfine sugar
- 1 teaspoon grenadine
- Cherries with stems, and orange slice to garnish
- Ice cubes
To kick things up a notch, try adding a shot of bourbon and renaming the drink "Katrina" or "Category 5".
This cocktail was invented in the famous Pat O'Brien's Bar in the French Quarter. In the prohibition days, the password for this bar was "Storm's brewing."
Delicious cocktail, delicious irony and you get to feel good about it.
Be sure to hold back a small administration fee, just like those fancy charities do.
There. Now I feel much better ;-)
posted by Mentok @ 10:37 a.m.,
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Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Bureaucrats Help Rebuild New Orleans Economy
Pentagon auditors also announced a broad-scale review of their defense contracts. The measures include sending teams of auditors to the Gulf Coast to monitor reconstruction efforts.
Investigators also will carefully examine whether federal employees have been abusing government-issued credit cards since their purchase limits were hastily raised to $250,000 to help pay for hurricane-related expenses.
 |
| U.S. civil servants get down to the hard job of rebuilding the Big Easy |
Previous government audits have shown that the credit cards, which typically have a purchase limit of $2,500, were improperly used to pay for prostitutes, gambling activity and even breast implants. About 250,000 federal employees have the government credit cards.
[Source: Associated Press, September 28, 2005]
posted by Mentok @ 10:49 a.m.,
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Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Fantasy Election Pool - Expressions of Interest Sought From Readers
I've often thought about running a fantasy election pool similar to fantasy sports leagues.
Here's how it would work:
- Create your own constituency and give it a name. Decide what party you are going to run for.
- Your constituency has 150 polling districts, of which half are urban and half are rural. Draw a map as you see fit.
- Pick 150 ACTUAL polling districts from assorted real constituencies, just like assembling your roster for fantasy football. The catch is that you cannot choose more than one polling district from any one real constituency (so you can't totally load up on, say, Alberta districts if you are running Tory.)
- Track your party's candidate in each real constituency during the election. Feel free to call up a candidate if, for example, you don't think he's spending enough time in the rural polls ;-)
On election night, tabulate the results. The winner of the biggest plurality wins the cash jackpot.
I'm just taking preliminary expressions of interest at this point so I can start thinking about further logistics if needed. This offer will be repeated as the election nears.
Regards,
Mentok
posted by Mentok @ 2:39 p.m.,
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Don't Inhale In Car
That “new car smell” could be dangerous to your health.
Dangerous enough, in fact, that Japanese auto makers have banded together to set a target for improving the interior air quality in their cars — in addition to continuing to meet exterior emissions standards.
The smell is mostly given off by a group of chemicals known as volatile organic compounds that are ingredients of the plastics, vinyl, paints and glues used in making car interiors and some of which are carcinogens.
The Japanese auto makers, including Toyota Motor Corp., the world's second largest vehicle manufacturer, agreed earlier this year to reduce passenger compartment levels of 13 VOCs to levels that Japan's Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare has established for air quality in homes to combat so-called sick-building syndrome. The offensive substances range from styrene and formaldehyde to xylene and diazinon.
- 30 -
[Source: Globe and Mail, Sept.27, 2005]
posted by Mentok @ 2:10 p.m.,
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Saturday, September 24, 2005
Tories Adopt McDonald's Model
Ottawa (FN) - Fresh from the summer barbecue circuit, Conservative Leader Stephen Harper announced today that the party will be undertaking a massive reorganization effort to incorporate the operating practices of the McDonald's Restaurants franchise.
"Our party often says that government should be run like a business, and there is no more successful business in the world than McDonald's," Harper said.
Among the reorganization plans announced today:
- New slogan: "You deserve a tax break today."
- 'Voters Served' counter: "The only way I kept myself sane on that wretched barbecue tour was by making a game out of counting all the hamburgers I was flipping. So we're going to put that up on the website so those jackasses in the media can see how hard I'm working. We'll also keep a running tally of every meal we serve a taxpayer. If I have to win over the voters one hamburger at a time, that's what I'll do!" Harper said.
- Staff changes: Starting January 1, 2006, the Tories will phase in a plan to replace all of their existing party and parliamentary staff with unskilled part-time teen-agers earning minimum wage. "I don't really listen to the little bastards anyway, so why pay top dollar for a bunch of Ezra Levant wannabe's? Peter Mackay and I will start wearing short-sleeved dress shirts and clip-on ties around the office, just so they know who's boss," Harper said.
- Party mascot: Although Harper will retain effective control of the party, he will be replaced in party advertising by a fictional mascot character, Johny Macdonald, a hybrid of party founder Sir John A. Macdonald and Ronald McDonald. "Most kids think they are the same guy anyway, so using this character will show them that we are'hip' and 'with it' and in tune with their views," Harper said.
The Johny Macdonald character will occasionally be accompanied by other 'Macdonaldland' characters, including a character modelled after former prime minister Jean Chretien (the Scamburglar).
- 30 -
posted by Mentok @ 8:56 p.m.,
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Edward James Olmos - Ultimate Macho Man
The new Battlestar Galactica has been hailed by critics as one of the smartest science fiction shows ever made and one of the best shows of any genre currently on TV.
One feature of the show that has been overlooked is that it is the most intensive exploration of the Latin American concept of machismo since I Love Lucy.
A quick review for those poor souls who don't follow the show:
All the men on the show have troubled relationships with women. Second-in-command Colonel Tigh is an alcoholic easily manipulated by his bitch-from-hell wife. Captain Apollo is constantly being dragged down by the emotional baggage of Captain Starbuck (female in this version). Gaius Balthur is so mezmerized by the sexuality of Six, the Cylon Mata Hari, that he, umm, "hallucinates" about her regularly. Most of the rest of the male crew are fighting each other over Lt. Sharon Valerii, a Cylon "sleeper" agent in more sense than one (she's not a robot - she's a bicycle).
And then there's Olmos' character, Commander Adama. Season One ended with President Laura Rosilyn interfering in military matters, so Adama declared martial law and threw her in jail. At the start of Season Two, he tracks down the traiterous Lt. Valerii, puts her in a chokehold, throws her in jail and puts a gun to her head whenever she gets out of line.
"Yo soy muy macho, pero tú eres muy hembra!"
Galactica plots often revolve around the battle
of wills between Adama and the President.
In the latest episode (the mid-season cliff-hanger), Galactica meets up with another surviving Battlestar commanded by Admiral Helena Cain. The Admiral starts trying to tell Adama how to run his ship, so he sends a crew of marines over to slap some sense into her.
The Battlestar Galactica is, after all, supposed to be "mankind's last hope"!
(Seriously, it's a great show. Don't form your opinion of it by this satire. Watch it, you won't regret it.)
posted by Mentok @ 7:04 p.m.,
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Friday, September 23, 2005
RCMP CSI SQUAD LAUDED FOR FART-SNIFFING
Paris (FN) - The Regina detachment of the RCMP's forensic unit today received the prestigious Paris-based Prix international de la science de police for their development of a gas spectrometer capable of detecting DNA markers in ambient organic gases such as human flatulence.
"It is a question as old as mankind itself: 'Who cut one?' Now, at last, we can answer that question with scientific accuracy," said project leader Cpl. Benjamin Dover.
The box-like device looks roughly like a tricorder from the original Star Trek. It makes a continuous faint sucking sound generated by the miniature vacuum used to collect air samples.
Dover anticipates that police will be able to use the device at crime scenes to find residual traces of suspects. He noted that it will also enable prosecutors to pursue previously unenforceable anti-flatuence laws.
Since the 1930's, Canada's Criminal Code has included "malicious flatulence with intent" under the public mischief sections of punishable offences. The crime carries a maximum penalty of six months in jail but has rarely been successfully prosecuted due to the near-impossibility of determining 'who dealt it' prior to the development of Dover's spectrometer.
"This is no laughing matter. It is the law. At last we will be able to stop wasting our time chasing car thieves and meth dealers and start dealing with this serious crime that has gone almost completely unpunished for over 70 years," said Dover.
- 30 -
posted by Mentok @ 1:34 p.m.,
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Thursday, September 22, 2005
Indoctrination of Youth Key to Fighting Commies, PM Says
The prime minister said his proposed national child-care plan will help Canadian tots get a head start in a global economy where only the smartest countries will thrive.
"It's about development and learning during the crucial time in life when potential is most readily nurtured and developed," Martin said in an address to senior bureaucrats…
The program will be an integral part of improving productivity, he said.
"A successful head start is important for all Canadians," Martin said.
"I am convinced that when future generations look back they will recognize in our pan-Canadian approach to early learning, a project of nation-building in the same sense as universal medicare."
Canada's youth will fantasize about Bill Gates,
not Britney Spears when he's done with them, says Paul Martin
Canadians must understand that the intellectual bar is being raised globally and only the best-educated countries will successfully compete.
"When (Microsoft founder) Bill Gates goes to China young people line up for hours and hang from the rafters just to listen to him. In
"In
He predicted
"Today we don't just want our children to succeed in school. We need them to."
The Liberal government has promised $5 billion over five years for new provincially run, low-fee day care programs and is in the process of striking funding deals with the provinces.
- 30 –
[Source: Alexander Panetta, Canadian Press, Sept.21, 2005]
posted by Mentok @ 10:14 a.m.,
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Tuesday, September 20, 2005
A Very Special Centennial Event
CENTENNIAL SMACKDOWN ! Sunday September 25 - ONE DAY ONLY
At the Brandt Centre
WWE (Whiner's Wrestling Entertainment)is proud to present a once-in-a-lifetime explosion of fury in honour of Saskatchewan's 100th Anniversary.
A GRUDGE MATCH AS OLD AS
THE PROVINCE ITSELF!
TEACHERS VS. FARMERS
CAGE-MATCH !!
Watch in amazemant as the STF's and the NFU's toughest customers fight to the finish to determine once and for all who is the most hard-done by and least appreciated by society.
The winner of this match will go on to the national finals, where they will square off against Quebecers and fishermen as they vie for the coveted Canadian Sadsack Cup!
IF YOU MISS THIS, YOU BETTER BE DEAD OR IN JAIL!
AND IF YOU'RE IN JAIL, BREAK OUT!
THIS EVENT WILL NOT BE REPEATED!
TICKETS ARE SURE TO SELL OUT, SO RESERVE YOURS TODAY!
posted by Mentok @ 12:49 p.m.,
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Sunday, September 18, 2005
Pillsbury Doughboy Hospitalized With Internal Injuries
Hollywood bad-boy Jean "Doughboy" Michelin, best known as the affable media spokesman for General Mills' Pillsbury products, was admitted to Los Angeles' Cedars-Sinai Medical Center for treatment of a range of internal injuries, including a bruised kidney and multiple intestinal ruptures. Doctors describe the injuries as serious but not life-threatening.
"Let's face it: you get punched in the gut by a giant finger that many times over so many years, it's going to do a number on your insides," said Dr. Isaac Shapiro.
Doctors refused to speculate whether the star's high-living lifestyle had a contributing effect on his injuries. Witnesses say Michelin was rushed to the hospital by food-industry friends after falling ill at a party at the home of Charlie Sheen.
"We were just sitting around having beers and watching some strippers Charlie had brought in when all of sudden 'Da-Boy' starts puking up blood. It was gross, man," said Michelin's long-time friend and professional colleague Frank "Cocoa" Puffs.
"Doughboy", as he is widely known, is the son of famed tire-company media spokesman Henri Michelin (a.k.a. "The Michelin Man") and actress Goldie Hawn, who were briefly married in the late 1960's.
"Doughboy" most recently made tabloid headlines for his on-again-off-again engagement to actress Angelina Jolie prior to her current relationship to Brad Pitt. Jolie is rumoured to have a tatoo of Michelin on her inner thigh.
- 30 -
posted by Mentok @ 11:12 p.m.,
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Friday, September 16, 2005
Mulroney / Macdonald Monkey Chart
Much of the controversy surrounding the new Mulroney book seems to revolve around the fact that (gasp) he said swears.
Much has also been made about the fact that Brian compares himself to Sir John A.
Egotistical? I beg to differ. Let's see how Canada's two greatest PM's stack up using my patented Monkey Chart™ method:
 |  |
| Biologically, member of the family Hominidae, "The Great Apes" | Ditto |
| Life-long unrepentant alcoholic | Recovering alcoholic and Nyquill addict |
| Non-smoker | Ex-smoker |
| Spoke Gaelic | Uses profanity |
| Loving father of a mentally-challenged daughter | Loving father of Ben Mulroney |
| Notorious liar, manipulator and smooth-talker | Ditto |
| Recruited maritime separatists and Quebec soft nationalists into his cabinet | Recruited Quebec separatists and maritime soft nationalists into his cabinet |
| Hung a Western populist | Failed to hang a Western populist |
| While drunk, allegedly vomited during a public speech | While loaded on Nyquill, allegedly passed out into a bowl of soup at a public dinner |
| Was embroiled in a corruption scandal involving rail transportation | Was embroiled in a corruption scandal involving air transportation |
So there you have it. If you take into account ordinary human failings (which none of those drunks and half-wits in the media ever do), Mulroney and Macdonald were so much alike that you could hardly fit a hair between them.
posted by Mentok @ 9:47 a.m.,
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Wednesday, September 14, 2005
The Secret Mulroney Tapes
Critics across Canada are calling The Secret Mulroney Tapes a refreshingly frank peek into a world usually shrouded in mystery.
Along the way, Mulroney has managed to confirm his place as the man that Canadians love to hate.
"Whenever I see that man on TV, it makes me physically ill," said one anonymous source.
In colourful and often profane language, Mulroney renders no-holds-barred descriptions of his contemporaries and the major events of his career.
Mulroney calls Zack Werner a "coward and a weakling" who is "dishonest intellectually" and "his record as a judge is absolutely mediocre."
"He didn't want anybody to succeed where he had failed," said Mulroney. "Warner's contribution was not to build Canadian Idol but to destroy it, and I had to come in and save it."
Mulroney's venom is equally strong for contestants. "Theresa could have have won it if she hadn't been messing around with her Ukrainian boyfriend."
However, Mulroney's strongest criticism is reserved for his life-long rival, Trudeau. "Did you see Justin at his dad's funeral? Man, and they call me cheesy. I'm practically the king of England compared to that guy. He's as phony as a three-dollar bill. You can easily see why they didn't give him a show."
Jon Dore, Mulroney's long-time "co-host" and drinking buddy, denied Mulroney's claims that Dore "betrayed" his trust by secretly taping the frank conversations.
posted by Mentok @ 7:36 p.m.,
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Pettigrew Blows Ten Large on Escort Services
Foreign Affairs Minister
Pettigrew likes to take his "staff" out on foreign trips, show them "the business" and let them know how his "department" works
Speaking with CTV Newsnet, Mr. Pettigrew said Bruno Labonté was acting in both a security and administrative capacity when the travelled with the minister on the trips...
According to a report in Wednesday's Globe and Mail, one expense claim described Mr. Labonté's role as “escorting the minister.”
“…I believe it is important that everyone in the staff has a complete understanding of my work, so this is the way,” Pettigrew said.
- 30 -
posted by Mentok @ 9:27 a.m.,
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Monday, September 12, 2005
Burger King Killed In Coup
Burger (FN) - Prince Franz Joseph Augustus Whopper, known to fast-food lovers world-wide as the iconic head of the Burger King franchise, was deposed and killed today in a bloody coup that left over 60 dead, including 16 members of the royal family and 45 court officials.
Franz Joseph Augustus Whopper, Dead at 51
Reports suggest that gunfire erupted in the tiny principality of Burger at approximately 10 a.m. GMT. In a macabre scene reminiscent of the fall of the Ceauşescu regime in Romania, Whopper and the entire royal family were publicly executed by being dipped in oil and burnt alive over an open flame.
"At least he died like a Whopper," remarked an onlooker.
The prince's grisly end came after several years during which he resisted calls for democratic reforms. Palace officials routinely dismissed popular dissent as the work of "Scottish agitators."
Johann Shakes-A-Lot, self-proclaimed President-for-Life of the newly declared People's Republic of Burger, promised a more disciplined and wholesome government than had been seen under the prince's libertine regime.
Sir Johann Shakes-A-Lot, former head of the Burger Palace Guard and suspected coup leader.
"From now on, you have to take the pickles and lettuce. You can no longer have it your way," said Shakes-A-Lot.
- 30 -
posted by Mentok @ 8:10 p.m.,
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Robot Name Generator
This is fun. Program generates a robot anagram based on your name. Thanks to Liam for finding this.
posted by Mentok @ 7:45 p.m.,
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Sunday, September 11, 2005
Welcome Visitors!
A big fat welcome to Nl-Expatriate and Clinton P. Desveaux.
The previous version of this post, which included several gags at the expense of the libertarian movement, has been archived. On reflection, I found it too long and boring, which I hate in other blogs and avoid like the plague in mine. Also, the piece failed to generate howls of protest and indignation from libertarians. I'll have to try harder next time.
If you would like to see the archived piece, please post a request to have it emailed.
posted by Mentok @ 11:21 p.m.,
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Saturday, September 10, 2005
Serious Stuff Archived
My two articles on the tiresomeness of tax-cutting policy have been archived in my Drafts bin. They were so long that they were inhibiting people from seeing the funny bits. Most alarmingly, Liam from the Responsible Government League accused me of "making a lot of sense." Dear lord, how could I have gone so terribly wrong?
So if you are actually interested in my long-winded views about how the Right needs to come up with another idea, leave a post and I'll email them to you.
Now, back to the comedy.
posted by Mentok @ 11:34 a.m.,
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China Conflab About Frank, Not 'frank'
Prime Minister Paul Martin today hastened to clarify his earlier characterization of his talks with Chinese President Hu Jintao. Martin had been quoted yesterday as saying he had a "thorough, frank discussion" with the Chinese leader.
"It wasn't a 'thorough, frank' discussion. It was a 'thorough Frank discussion'. There's a capital-F there, you twits."
"He asked me what I thought about the rumours about Frank McKenna taking a run at the Liberal leadership. I told him to go fuck himself and keep his nose out of Canadian politics. He said 'Right back at ya, dude', or words to that effect."
"So then I told him 'Confucious say: Get the hell out of my office'," Martin said.
Martin expressed regret at the overall tone of the discussions.
"What can I say? I was pissed. Still, it's not as bad as Carolyn Parrish. So what the hell, how about I just take a mulligan on this one, OK?"
- 30 -
posted by Mentok @ 12:06 a.m.,
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Friday, September 09, 2005
Welcome Liam
A big howdy-do to Liam O'Brien from Newfoundland. Wow, I've only been at this a week and already readers from Newfoundland. Thanks for dropping by.
Please be sure to visit his blog, the Responsible Government League.
posted by Mentok @ 11:22 a.m.,
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Thursday, September 08, 2005
It's All Too Creepy...
Headline from Thursday's National Post:
"REVISIT NAFTA: HARPER"
Dear God, Peter Mackay, what have you done?
posted by Mentok @ 11:28 p.m.,
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Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Teen Sues Mime School
REGINA (FN) - The expression "silence is golden" may have a whole new meaning if a Regina youth has his way.
David McIvor, a 15-year-old Uplands resident, today filed suit against the Regina Mime Arts School Inc. for $1 million for "pain, suffering and general suckitude."
"The pamphlet said they were going to teach me 'the ancient silent arts.' I thought if was going to be some kinda cool ninja sh_t. Instead, it was a bunch of guys in fruity clown get-ups pretending to be trapped in a box. It was so gay!" said McIvor.
Although the beginner-level class fees are only $50, McIvor said he arrived at the million-dollar damages figure "...because it sounds like f_ckin' Doctor Evil, man!"
Ray Hughes, owner of the school, reacted to news of the suit by rubbing his eyes as though crying, pretending to take out his wallet and flapping his hands like a bird flying away.
In a phone interview, Martin Windsor, president of the Canadian Association of Mime and Pantomime Arts (CAMPA) made no comment.
- 30 -
posted by Mentok @ 11:20 p.m.,
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No More Hints
Effective immediately, I'll no longer be labelling fake news as such. I think it kills the punch-line if I give you a warning shot.
posted by Mentok @ 11:17 p.m.,
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Freelance Writer's Dream Job
I was poking around freelance writers' websites and found this posting that would be some freelancer's dream job:
"New Las Vegas Magazine launching in November of 2005! This will be the only adult guide to all of the sizzling entertainment available on the
A hundred bucks a pop for going to strip clubs! Wow!
posted by Mentok @ 12:30 p.m.,
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Tuesday, September 06, 2005
More Fake News
Today I was going to start writing serious commentary about New Orleans, but it looks like the mainstream media is already beating to death all the angles e.g. race and class divisions, federal incompetence. So, what the hell, let's just keep the comedy going:
BIG EASY SEES SPIKE IN ZOMBIES
One bright spot in the New Orleans hurricane disaster is that the city is enjoying a renaissance of its undead community, says Mayor Roy Noggin.
"Pardon my French, America, but with all the voodoo shit we got going on down here, we usually have 500 or so zombies walking around the city. Now its into the thousands. Our zombie citizens are usually subject to the worst kinds of stereotypes, but they are the ones who have been the most determined to stay with the city and help us rebuild. They deserve credit for that," said Noggin.
Contrary to movie depictions, zombies, or life-challenged Americans as they prefer to be called, are created when a normal person is given a Haitian potion that induces a state of suspended animation but may also induce brain-damage, especially if the zombified person is buried alive during the zombification.
ALCA (Association of Life-Challenged Americans) spokesman Jebodiah Grant welcomed Noggin's statement.
"Brains...brains," said Grant.
- 30 -
posted by Mentok @ 11:32 a.m.,
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Saturday, September 03, 2005
Ironically funny news
The Globe and Mail this morning was, of course, full of hurricane horror stories. They did throw in this one thing which they treated as though it was relatively good news. Maybe it's just me, but it struck me as darkly funny and symptomatic of what is wrong in the disaster area and much of what is wrong in America.
"...No major incidents of looting, arson or gun violence were reported yesterday." (emphasis mine)
In other good news, the Globe reports that the U.S. federal government has mobilized the Drug Enforcement Agency into the disaster area. Thank heaven.
posted by Mentok @ 1:19 p.m.,
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Friday, September 02, 2005
Confessions of a Sorority Girl
So, the other night, the wife and I are watching this horrible movie on the Drive-In Classics channel called Confessions of a Sorority Girl, starring the delectable Alyssa Milano. Milano, as usual, plays the good-girl hottie stacked up (ha ha) against a manipulative popular-girl bitch.
At one point, there's this great cat-fight in the back room of a bar. There's this shelving unit, full of canned goods and the manipulative bitch pulls it over on top of Milano.
"Wow, look at the cans on her," I says to the wife.
She didn't seem to find that very funny.
posted by Mentok @ 1:27 p.m.,
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Fake News
'SEND BEADS' SAYS BIG EASY MAYOR
In the wake of the devastation left by Hurricane Katrina, New Orleans Mayor Roy Noggin has sent an urgent plea to international relief organizations and college fraternities to help replenish the city's supply of plastic beads.
"It breaks your heart when you see the suffering the people of New Orleans are going through right now. We basically got the world's biggest wet t-shirt contest going on right now, and all our beads are underwater, dammit. How can we be expected to live like this?" said Noggin.
Mantra Films, producers of the notorious Girls Gone Wild video series, have pledged $5 million to help rebuild the city's public nudity economy.
- 30 -
posted by Mentok @ 12:58 p.m.,
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OK, I give already
I've been cynical about the blog phenomenon. So many blogs seem so self-absorbed and navel-gazing. But I've had a number of people encourage me to start one, probably because I believe that one of the keys to life is having a strong sense of the absurd. As I like to say, the main fact to remember about humans is that they are a species of ape.
So here you go. Enjoy.
This won't be one of those diary style blogs. What I'll be posting here are: 1) general notions 2) news stories I find ironically funny 3) fake news stories I make up 4) some serious commentary and 5) some usual, general observation-on-life type stuff.
posted by Mentok @ 12:41 p.m.,
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