Saturday, December 24, 2005
Merry Christmas and Thank God It's Over
Merry Christmas to all my readers!
I hope you have enjoyed the Twelve Gags of Christmas. It turned out to be far more work than I thought. When I started it, I had about half a dozen ideas in mind, but when I sat down to write I concluded that almost all of them were lame. As it is, many of these are still pretty lame, but at least they're not too formulaic.
The discipline of coming up with fresh comedy material every day (instead of just whenever I felt like it) was an important learning experience for me as a writer. I now have much more respect for those poor Saturday Night Live writers who have to come up with an hour's worth of something resembling comedy every week.
I would like to extend my special thanks to Ash, Harry Yak, N-L ExP, and Sabatkes who all took the time to leave comments. I am interested in more feedback from the rest of you. Please be harsh and blunt in telling me which bits you liked and which ones you thought were lame.
I can't hear you laugh over the internet, so you have to tell me.
On behalf of Mrs. Mentok and the three little mentoks, I would like to wish you all the happiest of holiday seasons and every blessing in 2006.
I'm going to take a break now over the holidays. Please join us back here promptly on January 3rd, 2006 for more and better funny bits.
posted by Mentok @ 9:09 a.m.,
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St. James Sends Sarcastic Christmas Card
Little Heaven, DE (FN) - A monumental postal error has given the world a rare glimpse inside one of the most secretive relationships in history.
Bernard Reynolds of Little Heaven, Delaware received a Christmas card apparently intended to be delivered to the actual other-worldly paradise. The card was addressed to Jesus "Christ" Ben-David from his half-brother, Saint James "The Just" Ben-David.
The card reads:
"Dear J.C.,
I hope everything is well with you. Enclosed please find a pair of sandals. You know, you are very hard to buy for, what with the whole King of Heaven gig and all. Are you getting any use out of that fishing rod I sent you last year? Maybe I'll just send gold next year.
Christmas brings back so many happy memories for me. You probably won't remember that in the early ones you were the only one who got presents. Yeah, those were special times. Remember that time you gave me a pink belly for trying to borrow your frankincense? Like it would have killed you to share your frankincense.
I was in a store the other day and saw two women literally punching each other over some Christmas merchandise. On an unrelated topic, how is that 'spreading peace and love to the world' project of yours coming?
Well, gotta run. Best wishes to you and yours for a happy and prosperous 2006,
Your brother,
James
p.s. In case I haven't told you lately, you were adopted."
posted by Mentok @ 8:34 a.m.,
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Friday, December 23, 2005
Top Ten Worst Christmas Songs
Sir Cliff Richard's Mistletoe And Wine has been voted the song people are dreading more than any other this Christmas.
More than a quarter (25.1 per cent) of those questioned in a survey named the 1988 Christmas number one as their least favourite festive track.
Mistletoe And Wine polled almost twice as many votes as the second song in the list - the original Band Aid's charity hit Do They Know It's Christmas?
Robbie Williams's ballad Angels came third in the survey, which was commissioned by supermarket group Morrisons.
The results:
1. Mistletoe And Wine, Cliff Richard (25.1%)
2. Do They Know It's Christmas?, Band Aid (13.5%)
3. Angels, Robbie Williams (7.9%)
4. I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday, Wizzard (6.8%)
5. Driving Home for Christmas, Chris Rea (6.2%)
6. Last Christmas, Wham! (5.7%)
7. Merry Christmas Everybody, Slade (5.5%)
8. Mary's Boy Child - Oh My Lord, Boney M (5.0%)
9. Merry Christmas Everyone, Shakin' Stevens (4.1%)
10. When A Child Is Born, Johnny Mathis (3.7%)
[Source: The Daily Telegraph, London, UK, December 24, 2005]
This story is obviously true. If I had written it, the Band Aid song would have definitely topped the list. "There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas" - newsflash nitwits: there's never snow in Africa! - MTMT
posted by Mentok @ 7:44 p.m.,
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Thursday, December 22, 2005
Canuck Swingers Appeal Naughty Status
Ottawa (FN) - Fresh from their victory in the Supreme Court of Canada, members of a Montreal swingers club have appealed to the North Pole to be taken off of Santa's naughty list.
Robert La Haye, lawyer for the "liberated couples" club L'Orage, urged Santa to take a harm-based approach to the definition of naughty.
"Telling your teacher the dog ate your homework: that's naughty. Refusing to eat your vegetables, this too is naughty. And, of course, calling your uncle Robert a disgusting, drunken old creep, that is very, very naughty. But orgies, threesomes, partner-swapping, voyeurism, S&M games, bisexuality, surely no reasonable person could call these things naughty by today's standard," La Haye said.
Club owner Jean-Paul Labaye called on Santa to restore deprived gifts to club members and to all Canadian swingers retroactive to 2000.
"It is just not fair that we should go without gifts at this time of year simply because of our choice to exercise our God-given right to engage in orgies. If you are going to call swinging naughty, then you might as well call oral sex or gay sex naughty. If that's the standard Mr. Claus wants to set, he might as well just give gifts to children, because I can't think of any adults who can live up to that standard," said Labaye.
Labaye's tactic appears to have backfired, however. Within hours of his press conference, Olaf Magnussen, Elder Elf and chief political liason for the North Pole issued a press release stating that "effective Christmas 2005, Santa Claus will, within the Dominion of Canada, deliver presents only to children under the age of 12, the mentally handicapped and Jason Kenney."
posted by Mentok @ 11:49 p.m.,
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Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Santa Under Threat From Chinese Rival
Beijing (FN) - The rising economic power of China has been a source of concern for western political leaders for years but now has come home to roost for Santa Claus.
The Communist Party of the People's Republic of China announced today that Chairman Winter, the Chinese equivalent of Santa, would begin extending his route to households in the Pacific Rim, Europe and North American this year.
Chairman Winter and his merry band of Proletarian Avant Gardes live in an icy land beyond Mongolia. Once a year, they redistribute the wealth from the bourgeosie to the revolutionary classes through their chain of consumer electronics workshops.
Olaf Magnussen, chief political liason for the Independent Principality of the North Pole, expressed outrage at the Chinese move and called on western leaders to back Santa's position.
"This is a clear propaganda campaign aimed at undermining a treasured symbol of consumer freedom in the western world. Nothing less than complete sanctions are required to turn back this grave threat to international security," Magnussen said.
Chinese authorities urged calm.
"All we are doing is offering choice. We believe that Chairman Winter's products are superior in quality to Mr. Claus'. It will be up to consumers to decide which they prefer. If this were any other magical creature from any other country, this controversy would not arise. We only ask that our trading partners show consistency," said Chinese Minister of Foreign Trade and Economic Cooperation Shi Guangsheng.
The North Pole has reacted to the Chinese move by calling for a "coalition of the willing" amongst magical Christmas patrons. Britain's Father Christmas was quick to announce his support for Santa but other European gift-givers, such as France's Pere Noel, were non-committal. Alarmingly, Russia's Bubushka is rumoured to be in talks to coordinate joint gift manoevers with the Chinese upstart.
The North Pole has scrambled it's seldom-used military in anticipation of gift-delivery skirmishes in the Pacific Rim. Chairman Winter has placed the entire island of Taiwan on his "counter-revolutionary" blacklist and has threatened to block any other Christmas patron who attempts to deliver to the independent Chinese territory.
posted by Mentok @ 11:35 p.m.,
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Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Frat House Prank Fells Santa
Halifax (FN) - Jolly old St. Nick was not quite so jolly today after a fraternity prank landed him in the hospital with a mild concussion and abrasions.
Santa was paying a pre-Christmas visit to Dalhousie University's Lamda Rho Eta fraternity house when things went awry. The fraternity brothers had lured Santa to their residence on the premise that he was to help hand out presents to local disadvantaged children sponsored by the fraternity.
While the event was going on, fraternity members snuck up to the roof of the residence and surreptitiously replaced Santa's flying reindeer with ordinary reindeer.
"It was f---in' awesome, man. He, hah, he starts crackin' the whip on the reindeer and starts doing all that 'Ho, ho, ho' sh_t, and then he reaches the edge of the roof and boom! He just drops like a rock. You shoulda seen the look on his face, man. It was priceless," said Jason Wotherspoon, a kinesiology sophomore.
Santa's condition was worsened by the fact that he did not receive immediate medical attention for his injuries. The fraternity members lured Santa back into the residence to participate in their "egger-kegger", which featured a gigantic vat of rum-laced eggnog prepared to celebrate the successful completion of the prank.
Halifax authorities have charged 12 members of the fraternity with public mischief causing bodily harm and with cruelty to animals related to injuries sustained by the reindeer. In addition, the North Pole has advised all members of the fraternity that they will be placed on the naughty list for the remainder of their natural lives.
posted by Mentok @ 8:32 p.m.,
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Monday, December 19, 2005
Jesus Announces Giant Furniture Blow-Out
Ben-David and Sons, Israel's oldest furniture manufacturer and retailer, kicked off the Christmas season today by launching one of the largest sales events in the firm's 2,000 year history.
"It's my birthday, and I'm celebrating by offering our valued customers big savings on fine furniture. It's the second biggest sale we've ever had. I call it 'The Second Coming of Savings!'" said proprietor Jesus Ben-David.
Among the outstanding values offered:
- Kitchen nooks $100
- 5-piece Dining Room sets $175
- Microsuede living room set $700
Ben-David and Sons (originally Ben-David's Fabulous Furniture World) was established in 20 B.C. by Jesus's step-father, Joseph Ben-David and was managed by Jesus's brother James (aka "James the Righteous Retailer") until 62 A.D. Jesus maintains the "..and Sons" name for sentimental reasons.
posted by Mentok @ 10:04 p.m.,
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Sunday, December 18, 2005
Santas rampage in Christmas protest
Forty drunken Santas have rampaged through central Auckland, stealing from stores and assaulting security guards in a protest against the commercialisation of Christmas.
The New Zealand Herald reports some of the Santas threw beer bottles, one tried to climb the mooring rope of a cruise ship and a security guard was punched during the fracas.
"They came in, said 'Merry Christmas' and then helped themselves," convenience store staff member Changa Manakynda said.
The newspaper says the event organiser, Alex Dyer, had warned the antics would only stop when someone was arrested.
It links the incident to "Santarchy".
Santarchy (www.santarchy.com) records protests going back around 10 years in the United States, with participants marking Christmas in anti-commercial manner involving street theatre, pranks and public drunkenness.
Police say identification is a key issue as they try to sort out which of the 40 men and women had done what.
"With a number of people dressed in the same outfit, it was difficult for any witnesses to confirm the identity of who was doing what," Senior Sergeant Matt Rogers said.
[Source: Reuters, December 18, 2005]
- If the Al Qaeda are so effin' smart, how come they have figured out this tactic yet?
MTMT
posted by Mentok @ 8:26 p.m.,
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Saturday, December 17, 2005
Tommy Lee Joins Great Debate
Los Angeles (FN) - When it comes to the perennial debate over natural versus fake, rock star Tommy Lee has a few opinions and he's not afraid to share them.
Lee, ex-husband of blonde bombshell Pamela Anderson, says that, despite what people think, he is a confirmed natural fan.
"I can't stand that plasticy feel of fake ones. It just doesn't get me in the proper spirit. Plus natural ones, I think, just smell better, which gets me excited as soon as I walk in the room," said the former Motley Crue drummer.
Lee says that natural ones are better for all ages.
"I think it's better for kids to grow up with natural ones. It's healthier and more wholesome. But you don't have to be a kid to appreciate them. Whether you're six or sixty, the sight of a nice big, plump natural one is going to get you going."
Lee says he buys his all-natural Christmas trees from his local Boy Scout troup or from other charity-based tree lots.
posted by Mentok @ 10:11 a.m.,
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Friday, December 16, 2005
Telus Offers Mother's Love At Christmas
Calgary (FN) - Help is on its way this Christmas for lonely singles spending the holidays alone thanks to Canadian cell phone provider Telus Mobility.
For a five dollar subscription fee, singles can receive traditional maternal Christmas sentiments transmitted to their cell phones at random intervals.
The pre-recorded messages include:
- "Is there something wrong with your fruit cake, dear?"
- "It's so nice that you come to visit me at least once a year."
- "You kept the receipt for this, didn't you, dear?"
- "Well, I hope you're happy now. You've ruined Christmas!"
posted by Mentok @ 9:55 p.m.,
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Thursday, December 15, 2005
Santa Requests Reclassification
Vatican City (FN) - In a move that has rocked the Christian world, St. Nicholas of Myra, the beloved Christmas icon known as Santa Claus, has asked the Vatican to change his saintly patronship designation.
Santa made time out of his busy Christmas schedule to visit the Vatican in person today to file Form V-967B3, Request for Saintly Reassignment, in which he requests that he be deleted as Patron Saint of Children and be registered as Patron Saint of Grotesque Over-Consumption. The form also requests a number of changes to his saintly powers.
Santa acknowledged that his request was controversial but said it was time for the Vatican to catch up with the times.
"I know my colleagues in the clergy don't like to promote over-consumption, but that horse is already out of the barn door. I say we should go with the flow."
If approved, the current filing would mark the second time the 1,700-year-old former bishop has had his saintly designation and powers changed. In the 4th Century A.D., Nicholas was originally venerated as the Patron Saint of Sailors before switching to Patron Saint of Children. In that transfer, Nicholas was required to give up his powers to change weather systems in exchange for powers of teleportation, time-manipulation and raising children from the dead.
"Frankly, I just got into this gig for the powers. Kids are cute and all, but the sailors were more fun. The kids powers were cool, but they've gotten old now. I used to enjoy raising kids from the dead. You'd see that look on parents' faces when they saw their deceased child under the tree, and that made it all worthwhile. But ever since Stephen King wrote that Pet Sematary book, no one's asking for that any more," Santa said.
Under the terms of the reassignment request, Santa would give up his revivification powers in exchange for the powers of making objects appear more desirable, making sugar temporarily non-fattening and infinite wealth.
"I could give or take the first two, but I really want one of those infinite pots of gold like the leprechauns get. People think I'm rich because of all my advertising endorsements, but all that money goes out the door to buy all those high-tech toys kids ask for these days."
Santa has also requested to be relieved of his contractual obligations to the Danish Guild of Elves.
"Kids aren't asking for hand-made toys anymore, so those guys are doing dick-all, but I'm still paying through the nose to keep them on the payroll because the elves guild has my nuts in a vise. I tell ya, those guys are worse then the Teamsters."
posted by Mentok @ 6:04 p.m.,
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Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Sewer Service Officially Not "The Perfect Gift"
Los Angeles (FN) - The Perfect GiftTM Group (PGG), the small but powerful marketing agency that holds the copyright to the phrase "Makes The Perfect Gift" has issued a rare decree stating that gift certificates for sewer-backup services are not, in fact, the perfect gift.
"That may be a bit of an understatement. In fact, it's kind of a 'shitty' gift. Ha, ha!" said company spokesman Tom Davis.
PGG, which was acquired by media conglomerate Time-Warner in 1996, normally hands out the "Makes the Perfect Gift" designation unconditionally to any business venture willing to pay a small royalty fee. During the Christmas season, the motto can be seen attached to a range of unlikely gifts, such as oil changes and socks. On only two other occasions, for Depends undergarments and for assorted enema products, has PGG refused to grant its designation.
posted by Mentok @ 10:30 a.m.,
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Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Old Turk Scares Greek Kid
Detroit, Mi (FN) - Nicholas Myra, better known by his alias St. Nicholas, is facing a lawsuit from an Auburn Hills family of Greek descent who claim that the 1,700-year-old Turkish cleric intentionally traumatized their young daughter.
George and Maria Paraskevopoulos claim that on November 22 they brought their daughter Eleni, 7, to visit Santa at the local Great Lakes Crossing shopping centre. As in past years, the Paraskevopoulos' had coached their daughter to ask Santa for peace in the Cyprus in addition to her personal wish list.
Onlookers report that the notoriously tempermental former bishop flew into a rage at the suggestion.
"You want peace in Cyprus. Well, here's Santa's present for you, little girl. Go tell your stinking Greek friends to get the hell off our island," Myra is alleged to have said.
This is not the first time the Turkish-born cleric's temper has landed him in trouble. In 325 A.D., Myra was jailed for assault after punching out a fellow cleric during the Council of Nicea. In 1968, Myra created an international scandal by telling John John Kennedy to "go ask your mommy's big fat Greek boyfriend for a pony and quit bothering me."
Although Myra has been a citizen of Norway since the fall of Constantinople in 1453, he is well-known for his continued interest in Turkish politics and his disdain for all things Greek. He has long made a point of delivering presents to Orthodox children almost two weeks late, after all the good stuff has been picked over.
posted by Mentok @ 9:25 a.m.,
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Sunday, December 11, 2005
Geneva Convention To Cover "Do I Look Fat In This?"
The Hague, Switzerland (FN) - In its first amendment since 1949, the Geneva Conventions were expanded today to prevent detaining powers in war time from soliciting opinions on body weight and appearance from prisoners of war.
"This is a landmark ruling in human rights. I don't think there is a man on this planet who does not understand that the question 'Do I look fat in this?' is the highest form of cruel, unusual and degrading treatment. I hope that all signatory nations hasten to ratify this new clause," said international human rights lawyer Hans Galdalman.
Hapless husbands hoping for relief from the great unanswerable question will be disappointed, legal experts say. The new protection covers only foreign combatants and does not extend to "armed conflict not of an international character occurring in the territory of one of the High Contracting Parties."
This ruling follows a progressive trend in international law. The last round of amendments in 1949 outlawed asking a prisoner of war if he thinks another girl is more attractive, which was allegedly a common form of torture in Nazi POW camps.
While other countries hailed the ruling, the United States repeated its position that neither this nor other Geneva Convention provisions shall apply to captured Al Qaeda members.
"First of all, they are not members of a foreign army. Second, it is vital for the morale of our troops for them to know whether their combat fatigues fit them properly," said Vice-President Dick Cheney.
posted by Mentok @ 8:41 p.m.,
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Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Man Gets D.U.I. While High On Jesus
Atlanta, Ga (FN) - An Atlanta man was convicted today of impaired driving while he was under the influence of an intense religious high.
George Stewart was pulled over by Georgia State Patrol officers on September 18, 2005 for exceeding the posted speed limit and driving erratically. Trooper Tom Harris, an officer at the scene, told the court that Creed music was blaring from Stewart's car stereo and that Stewart was babbling incoherently.
"He was going on about the Book of Revelations and saying that he was driving so fast because didn't want to be 'left behind.' He didn't know where he was or what he was doing," Harris said.
Harris and his partner administered the seldom-used road-side RASC (Religiously Altered State of Consciousness) test.
"It used to be that all we could test for was alcohol, so everyone who was hopped on other intoxicants got away scott free. Now we can test for a lot of things," Harris said.
The basic RASC test involves reading a standard description of an idyllic nature scene and counting the number of times the subject interjects with phrases like "Hallelujah" and "Praise the Lord".
"I had barely started the second sentence, the one about the sun shining on a cornfield, and this guy was already up to about 10 hallelujahs. He was way over his limit," Harris said.
Interviewed outside the courthouse, Stewart remained upbeat about the situation.
"You all just want to talk about the bad news, but I just want to talk about the Good News. As it says in Matthew Eight, 'Behold, the whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters.' Hallelujah! I'm praying for you, brother," Stewart said.
posted by Mentok @ 10:41 p.m.,
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Sunday, December 04, 2005
Harper Pledges No Tier Health Care
Ottawa (FN) - Conservative Leader Stephen Harper angrily rejected suggestions that his party was bent on introducing two-tier healtcare.
"We already have one tier that's expensive and ineffiecient. Why would we want to double our pain with a second tier? That's like something one of those corrupt Liberal Adscam firms would come up with. I say let's get rid of all tiers of healthcare and put the money back where it belongs, in taxpayers' pockets," Harper said.
The Conservative platform, Harper stated, would take a more holistic approach to health care.
"People are always talking about disease and injury as though they were unnatural, as things that have to be 'treated'. I say these things are perfectly natural. Ever heard of natural selection? Just like they taught us in economics school, disease, injury and death are nature's way of elimintating the unproductive deadweight from the economy."
Harper predicted many benefits if Canada adopted the Tories' non-health care platform.
"Before advanced health care came along, the average age was 35. Can you imagine if all the women in Canada were under 35? We'd be up to our eyeballs in Rona Ambroses. Scha-wing!"
posted by Mentok @ 11:28 p.m.,
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Saturday, December 03, 2005
Duff Wins Jailbait Award
A throng of fans stood in line for hours outside the California Universal Amphitheater to catch a glimpse of stars like Alexa Vega, Emma Woods and Chris Brown.
The award, sponsored by Hustler Entertainment and Harlequin Enterprises, is given to the teen star who most "inspires" older audiences. For the female prize, readers of Hustler are asked the blunt question, "Which teen star would most likely make you risk jail time if you had the chance to sleep with her?" Harlequin readers are posed the more subtle question "Which male teen star would you most like to cuddle with?"
In the female category, recording artist Hillary Duff pulled off a "three-peat" by winning the award for the third year in a row.
"Ah, thanks...I think. It's kinda gross thinking about dirty old men looking at me, but I guess that's half my audience, so, yeah, thanks. Bye!" Duff said. The young superstar quickly dashed from the theatre after receiving the award from presenter Ron Jeremy.
Fellow nominee Amanda Bynes was incensed at having been shut out again.
"What do I have to do? Really, what do I have to do? I've dressed up in cheerleader outfits. I've got a show on the WB. I've shown midriff. Hillary never shows you any skin at all. Do you jerk-off idiots even know what sexy is? I'm outta here," said Bynes, who also walked out of the show.
The male, "Cuddle-muffin" award went to Daniel Radcliffe, for the fifth year in a row.
- 30 -
posted by Mentok @ 8:20 a.m.,
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