Thursday, December 15, 2005
Vatican City (FN) - In a move that has rocked the Christian world, St. Nicholas of Myra, the beloved Christmas icon known as Santa Claus, has asked the Vatican to change his saintly patronship designation.
Santa made time out of his busy Christmas schedule to visit the Vatican in person today to file Form V-967B3, Request for Saintly Reassignment, in which he requests that he be deleted as Patron Saint of Children and be registered as Patron Saint of Grotesque Over-Consumption. The form also requests a number of changes to his saintly powers.
Santa acknowledged that his request was controversial but said it was time for the Vatican to catch up with the times.
"I know my colleagues in the clergy don't like to promote over-consumption, but that horse is already out of the barn door. I say we should go with the flow."
If approved, the current filing would mark the second time the 1,700-year-old former bishop has had his saintly designation and powers changed. In the 4th Century A.D., Nicholas was originally venerated as the Patron Saint of Sailors before switching to Patron Saint of Children. In that transfer, Nicholas was required to give up his powers to change weather systems in exchange for powers of teleportation, time-manipulation and raising children from the dead.
"Frankly, I just got into this gig for the powers. Kids are cute and all, but the sailors were more fun. The kids powers were cool, but they've gotten old now. I used to enjoy raising kids from the dead. You'd see that look on parents' faces when they saw their deceased child under the tree, and that made it all worthwhile. But ever since Stephen King wrote that Pet Sematary book, no one's asking for that any more," Santa said.
Under the terms of the reassignment request, Santa would give up his revivification powers in exchange for the powers of making objects appear more desirable, making sugar temporarily non-fattening and infinite wealth.
"I could give or take the first two, but I really want one of those infinite pots of gold like the leprechauns get. People think I'm rich because of all my advertising endorsements, but all that money goes out the door to buy all those high-tech toys kids ask for these days."
Santa has also requested to be relieved of his contractual obligations to the Danish Guild of Elves.
"Kids aren't asking for hand-made toys anymore, so those guys are doing dick-all, but I'm still paying through the nose to keep them on the payroll because the elves guild has my nuts in a vise. I tell ya, those guys are worse then the Teamsters."
posted by Mentok @ 6:04 PM,
- At 9:39 PM, A. B. Chairiet said...
I never knew Santa had such a dirty mouth.
And is Southern, apparently. (So hence the Jack')
Off to contemplate something other than my navel,
- At 10:24 PM, Mentok the Mind-taker said...
I don't know what you mean about the foul mouth.
In the one instance, Santa says the elves do "click all". That's "click" as in a computer mouse. I know it looks kinda like "dick", but it isn't. So there.
...And his "nuts in a vise" are chestnuts, almonds, walnuts and so forth. I don't want to know what you were thinking about, you dirty girl.