Sunday, February 26, 2006
Olympic Shocker: Canuck Curlers Fail Sobriety Test
Turin, Italy (FN) - Canada's gold medal in men's curling was thrown into doubt today after Olympic officials revealed that blood tests from three team members show abnormally decreased levels of alcohol and nicotine.
Russ Howard, skip and Mark Nichols, third had minimal blood alcohol readings while Jamie Korab, lead and Brad Gushue, fourth had blood alcohol levels of only .04, making them legally capable of driving. Only alternate Mike Adam was deemed to be adequately intoxicated with a blood alcohol level of .20.
"Playing curling with a clear head and healthy lungs is the equivalent of oxygen doping in other sports. It's an unfair advantage. Every Canadian school child knows this is a sport that's meant to be played half-cut," said Olympic curling judge Seamus Feeney.
Concerns about the Canadian team's sobriety had been circulating throughout the games. Last week, a Swiss player complained to officials that Howard's breath did not smell of alcohol.
The Canadian team had apparently gone to great lengths to cover up their lack of intoxication. They had made a great show of passing around a bottle of rye whiskey and packs of Export A "green death" cigarettes. However, unconfirmed reports suggest that the bottle was filled with tea and that the players never inhaled tobacco smoke.
It has also been suggested that the team may have gotten away with the scam because non-Canadian curling officials mistook the team's Newfoundland accents for drunken babbling.
Newfoundland Premier Danny Williams expressed dismay at the news.
"They are innocent until proven guilty and I certainly hope that this isn't true. This sort of non-consumption of alcohol is shameful and a disgrace to Newfoundlanders everywhere," Williams said.
posted by Mentok @ 12:38 p.m.,
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Thursday, February 23, 2006
Gretzky Changes Story, Demands To Be Jailed
Turin, Italy (FN) - Following Team Canada's stunning shut-out in men's Olympic hockey, coach Wayne Gretzky recanted his previous declarations of innocence in the Rick Tocchet illegal gambling scandal.
"Oh yeah, I did all that illegal gambling. Millions of bucks. On hockey, too. I beat my wife and told her to bet all our money. That's right, I'm a wife-beater. And a murderer. I once chopped a guy up and ate him because he was trying to stop me from making child porn. I'm a bad, bad man. I should be locked up in solitary confinement forever," said the former hockey great.
Sources close to Gretzky say he decided to change his plea on the gambling charges after failing in efforts to secure political asylum from the government of Iraq.
"He figured there's no hockey in Iraq, so he would be safe there," said a source who asked to remain anonymous.
New Jersey prosecutors, however, are skeptical about Gretzky's change of heart.
"We have no reason to believe any of this. We think he's just making up these outlandish claims just to avoid facing the music back home in Canada," said New Jersey Assistant District Attorney James Olsen.
Canadian Crown Prosecutors, on the other hand, say they completely believe Gretzky's claims and have demanded that Italian officials extradite him to Canada immediately.
"Oh yeah, we've got a penalty for him alright, and it ain't two minutes for looking so good," said Ontario Crown Prosecutor Harry Shanks.
Although Gretzky's attempt to be jailed to avoid harsher penalties is unusual, it is not unprecedented, say legal experts.
"It's what we call the 'Monopoly Defence'. You know how, in the later stages of Monopoly when all the properties are developed, the best place to be is in jail so you don't have to pay rent. Well, old Gretzky is sitting on Park Place and just rolled double-ones to land him on Boardwalk with hotels, so no kidding he's rather be in pokey right now," says defence lawyer Tony Shapiro.
posted by Mentok @ 9:28 a.m.,
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Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Link Updates
A few sidebar changes to note:
- Isonomia added to the Solids section. Daibh (who I now call "celtic Dave" after learning this is a real name and not some cryptic mish-mash of letters) is a major coolio. Fellow writer, punk rock fan and inventor of hilarious nick-names - what more could you ask for?
- X-Efficiency has made it out of the Graveyard back into the Friends section. Welcome back Dan. Now go bug Brett to get his ass in gear.
- Herman's Head has been moved down to the Entertainment section. Even though I am his evil twin, he never calls, he never writes, so as much as I like the guy I can't in good conscience give him the same status as people who actually contribute to this blog.
posted by Mentok @ 11:11 a.m.,
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Sunday, February 19, 2006
I Hate The Olympics
I don't do too many serious posts, but this is such an inflammatory topic that maybe some will think I'm kidding. At least the comments about this topic should prove to be entertaining.
I think the Olympics is the most hypocritical, money-wasting, deceptive, manipulative and pointless institution yet developed by mankind.
Here are just a few of my reasons:
- Corruption. 'Nuff said. Too many stories of IOC corruption to count.
- Obsolete Pointless Sports. The Biatholon? Seriously. Skiiing and shooting paired up? Why should we care? How about pairing up all other sports with shooting: you do a high-jump, then shoot a target, you do a 100 metre dash, then shoot a target. They would all have as much of a point, which is none.
- Limit-of-Human-Capability Pointless Sports. Today I read a story about a luge competitor who came in second by a matter of 6/100ths of a second. You read stories like that all the time, especially with track and field sports. Hell, at that rate, why not just give them all a gold medal? The results could have been caused by wind conditions, faulty measurement or a flat out fluke. Here's a simple question: Is the human body's potential to run faster infinite? Obviously not. So it follows that at some point humans will never run any faster. It seems to me we're pretty much at that point.
- Unfair focus. Even if we concede that there's some mysterious reason why should care who in the world runs fastest, jumps highest, etc., is it even remotely fair to make that assessment on the basis of one event? Shouldn't we make those assessments on the basis of how an athlete performs at a whole circuit of competitive events? Sure, the Olympics is the most "prestigious" event, but isn't "prestigious" just another word for over-hyped?
- It's not amateur. The whole founding spirit of the modern Olympics was amateur sports. Today's elite athletes are not amateurs. This is their career. Case in point: Italy now pays gold medalists $150,000. Gee, that's not going to encourage cheating, is it?
- Elite Athletics is not a public or private good. It's not a healthy lifestyle. These people typically have no social lives, neglect their educations, their families and, with the increasing professionalism of these sports, they often do not hold down real jobs. They have high rates of injury and frequently develop chronic health problems (backs, knees, etc.) in later life. It's a type of obsessive-compulsive behaviour. Now, it's their lives, it they want to screw them up, that's their business. If some company wants to pay these freaks to perform in a public spectacle, like commercial professional sports, well, maybe that's a bit exploitive but that's the free enterprise system. But I fail to see why I should pay taxes for it. These people need treatment, not encouragement.
- Elite Athletics drains money from real health initiatives. How many community fitness centres could you build with all the money we waste on these freaks? Of course, the other theory goes that the athletes encourage public fitness by providing an inspiring example. Well, as per the above point, if healthy lifestyles are all about balance, these are absolutely the last people we should be setting up as examples.
So there's my rant.
posted by Mentok @ 1:22 p.m.,
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Thursday, February 16, 2006
Bush Belatedly Declares Open Season On Americans
Washington (FN) - Under directions from the White House, the US Fish and Wildlife Service in conjunction with the Department of Justice has declared an "Open Season on Americans" retroactive to February 1st.
President Bush described the program as an initiative to boost morale amongst America's corporate community.
"After listening to all these people at home complain about the war on terror, homeland security, Hurrican Katrina, yada yada yada, I figured 'Hey, why should the Iraqis have all the fun?' There are plenty of Americans who deserved to get popped and if you're saying some towel-head should do that rather than a fellow American, then I would have to question your patriotism," Bush said.
Under the terms of the program, a limited quantity of hunting licenses will be issued as an incentive to government contractors, such as the Haliburton Corporation.
The program got off to a rocky start on Saturday when one Haliburton employee failed to bag his target.
"It was the worst day of my life," said the Haliburton flunky after merely wounding an old buck.
The National Rifle Association was quick to jump on the incident as further evidence of the decline of the country's marksman skills.
"It is truly a sad day in this country when one of our country's leaders can't kill a feeble old man at thirty yards with a shotgun. It's a national disgrace," said an NRA spokesman.
posted by Mentok @ 7:01 p.m.,
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Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Happy Valentine's!
For those of you curious about what my beloved Mrs. Mentok and I really look like...
...you'll have to wait, 'cause this isn't it.
Happy Valentine's Day to all love-birds all over the world!
posted by Mentok @ 3:34 p.m.,
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Alert Leafs Staff Block Terrorist Threat
Linda White thinks the Air Canada Centre should take a penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct after refusing to let her son Brody into last Saturday's game with his Maple Leaf sign because it was deemed a weapon.
"Brody, who is turning 10, was dressed up for Saturday night's game with the same enthusiasm as always -- a Leaf jersey, Leaf puck head, Leaf tattoos across his forehead and cheeks, a No. 1 finger sign and a No. 1 Leafs fan cardboard sign my husband made for the very first game he ever attended. He has some players' autographs on it," White said yesterday.
"We were shocked when we were told by (ACC) security he couldn't take (the cardboard sign) into the game because it is considered a weapon.
"The stick on the back is not much bigger than a paint stir stick."
The NHL and NBA have asked the ACC to bring in new security measures, spokesman Rajani Kamath said.
"In the present global climate we live in, these changes are necessary measures that support providing fans with a great environment," Kamath said.
White pointed out that the ACC sports centre store sells beer mugs and small wooden sticks for holding pucks.[Source: CNEWS, February 14, 2006]
posted by Mentok @ 9:58 a.m.,
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Friday, February 10, 2006
My Thing
Would you like to see a picture of my Thing? Yes, I think you would enjoy looking at my Thing. It is quite a nice Thing, I think. Oh sure, it's all bumpy and ugly, but all Things are like that, aren't they?
My Thing is six inches long. I know, there are bigger Things. There are nine-inch Things and sometimes you even see Things that are over a foot long. But there are also four-inch Things and sometimes even two-inch Things, so on the whole I'm pretty happy with my six-inch Thing.
My Thing is not just for show. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but sometimes I like to play with my Thing. But I prefer to share it. I get great pleasure when someone who doesn't have a Thing plays with my Thing and gets enjoyment from it.
So, are you ready? C'mon, come take a look at my Thing. You won't regret it.
- MTMT
(OK, enough of the sexual innuendo humour. It was fun while it lasted, but not my usual style.)
posted by Mentok @ 10:52 a.m.,
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posted by Mentok @ 11:17 a.m.,
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Monday, February 06, 2006
Tory Cabinet A Victory For The Little People
Ottawa (FN) - Human rights groups across Canada are hailing the new Tory cabinet as a major step forward for midgets and dwarves, who prefer to be known by the term 'Little People'.
"Little People are one of the last groups in Canada to receive the full protection of Canada's human rights legislation. You can't make jokes anymore about a person's skin colour, religion or sexual preference, but you can make jokes about a person's height. Maybe those jokes will seem less funny now that there are important, powerful Little People for the country to ...um.. look up to," said Starr Henderson, spokesperson for the Alliance to End Discrimination in Canada (AEDC).
Although dwarvism affects only 1 in 40,000 people, Little People currently represent seven per cent of the federal cabinet with today's appointments of Gary Lunn, MP for Saanich-Gulf Islands, BC and Jim Flaherty, MP for Whitby-Oshawa.
Both men declined to comment on 'Little People' issues, prefering to stay focused on policy matters.
As the new Minister of Finance, Flaherty promised to live up to Conservative principles of strict fiscal prudence.
"Sure and begorah, those bureaucrats is already after me pot o' gold. But I'll be showing them de business, as me old da used to say. I'll be crackin' 
them fat cats with me shillelagh if they come near me booty," said Flaherty.
Lunn expressed enthusiasm for his new role as Minister of Natural Resources.
"Canada's mineral resources are very special to me personally. I have so many happy memories of my six brothers and I going off to work in the mines everyday, whistling all the while. This is a job that requires a person who is very down-to-earth, and that is a quality that I certainly have," said Lunn.
posted by Mentok @ 10:25 p.m.,
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Friday, February 03, 2006
Fury Over Cartoons Continues
Washington, D.C. (FN) - Political groups around the world inched closer to violence as protests continued over allegedly "sacriligious" cartoons.
At issue are a number of editorial cartoons appearing in international newspapers that depict a variety of political leaders in embarrassing and potentially defamatory situations.
“We are not terrorists, we are not anarchists, but we are against those people who blaspheme our leaders,” said one protestor in London wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with the emblem of the socialist Labour Party and buttons depicting the group's notorious ring-leader, Tony Blair.
In Washington D.C., the Republicans and Democrats, two normally rival groups trying to seize control of the United States, stormed the Capitol today and staged a sit-down protest over the inflammatory cartoons.
"They call our leaders stupid. They say they have embezzled money. They make jokes about our holy book, the Bible. Is nothing sacred to these infidels?" said one Republican protestor.
In Canada, four rival militia leaders held press conferences on Parliament Hill and threatened to grind the nation's business to a halt for two years or longer if need be.
Only in France was some sense of normalcy maintained after the French government pre-emptively surrendered to the protesting political groups, who promptly named protest leader Jacques Chirac to run the country.
posted by Mentok @ 11:35 a.m.,
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Sidebar changes
Please note a couple changes to the links to the right:
- Mentok Jr. added to the renamed Friends and Family section
- Herman's Head added to same, even though he's never posted here, because I firmly believe he is my long lost twin (the good twin. I would be the evil twin.)
- Please welcome Bathroom Hippo to the Solids section
- New section "Graveyard" created for deadbeats who haven't posted in over a month. Once they get to six months, they will be gone altogether and we shall speak of them no more. If you're on this ignomious list and want off, post something and let me know, 'cause I ain't wastin' my time checkin' anymore buddy boys.
posted by Mentok @ 8:14 a.m.,
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Thursday, February 02, 2006
Tories To Merge Departments
Ottawa (FN) - In an effort to streamline the bloated Canadian government, Prime Minister-designate Stephen Harper announced today that the new Conservative government will be merging the Department of Official Languages and the Department of Redundancy Department.
The newly minted Department of Languages and Redundancy / Department des langues et de la redondance will carry the dual responsibilities of guaranteeing language rights and bureaucratic inefficiency.
Officials in the former Department of Redundancy Department were elated at the news.
"Personally, speaking for myself, I am very excited and enthused about the imminent changes that are coming. Before, in past years, all we were really able to do was design triplicate forms and come up with names for new Secretary of State cabinet positions. Now, on a go-forward basis, we are going to be able to really serve the public and help people by ensuring that products like 'coca-cola', 'bran' and 'carafe' are properly labelled in both languages, French and English," said Gerald Smith-Smythe, former Manager and General Director of the former Department of Redundancy Department.
Officials from the Department of Official Languages were less generous in their assessment.
"Merde! Tu m`emmerdes, tu tête carré. Si ma tante en avait elle s`appellerait mon oncle. Sucez mon membre, salope," said a former Official Languages employee who asked to remain anonymous.
posted by Mentok @ 2:13 p.m.,
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...And Now, My New Slogan
OK, the apparently unplayable theme song is gone and has been replaced by my new slogan:
"Because Mentok wills it so!"
A big shout-out to Bathroom Hippo for digging up that clip for me. You rock, dude!
posted by Mentok @ 12:43 p.m.,
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