Sunday, February 26, 2006
Olympic Shocker: Canuck Curlers Fail Sobriety Test
Turin, Italy (FN) - Canada's gold medal in men's curling was thrown into doubt today after Olympic officials revealed that blood tests from three team members show abnormally decreased levels of alcohol and nicotine.
Russ Howard, skip and Mark Nichols, third had minimal blood alcohol readings while Jamie Korab, lead and Brad Gushue, fourth had blood alcohol levels of only .04, making them legally capable of driving. Only alternate Mike Adam was deemed to be adequately intoxicated with a blood alcohol level of .20.
"Playing curling with a clear head and healthy lungs is the equivalent of oxygen doping in other sports. It's an unfair advantage. Every Canadian school child knows this is a sport that's meant to be played half-cut," said Olympic curling judge Seamus Feeney.
Concerns about the Canadian team's sobriety had been circulating throughout the games. Last week, a Swiss player complained to officials that Howard's breath did not smell of alcohol.
The Canadian team had apparently gone to great lengths to cover up their lack of intoxication. They had made a great show of passing around a bottle of rye whiskey and packs of Export A "green death" cigarettes. However, unconfirmed reports suggest that the bottle was filled with tea and that the players never inhaled tobacco smoke.
It has also been suggested that the team may have gotten away with the scam because non-Canadian curling officials mistook the team's Newfoundland accents for drunken babbling.
Newfoundland Premier Danny Williams expressed dismay at the news.
"They are innocent until proven guilty and I certainly hope that this isn't true. This sort of non-consumption of alcohol is shameful and a disgrace to Newfoundlanders everywhere," Williams said.
posted by Mentok @ 12:38 p.m.,
7 Comments:
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At 3:25 p.m.,
Bathroom Hippo said...
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When will they learn? You simply must have alcohol with you at all times.
They should be shot! -
At 3:45 a.m.,
A. B. Chairiet said...
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So...they were drunk? Or, should have been drunk??
Or...what the hell is Curling??
I honestly never knew till a week or so ago. Damn Canadians...
More elsewhere.
Happy Monday,
~ Ash -
At 11:33 a.m.,
Mentok said...
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Curling is like giant-sized shuffleboard on ice. It's not exactly the most action-packed sport in the world and, like bowling, you don't really need to be in good shape to play it.
It was originally a Scottish game, but I read an astounding stat in a British newspaper that claimed that 94% of the people in the world who actively play the game are Canadian.
Small towns in Canada often hold all-day "fun-spiels" for all-ages family teams. Traditionally, between games teams hit the bar. By the end of the tournament, many teams can barely see straight, much less make a 42-pound hunk of granite hit a target accurately.
Also, many small town curling rinks have the hilarious but antiquated feature of ash trays built at roughly six foot intervals beside the playing surface...you know, just in case you felt the need to have a butt going while you were playing this "sport".
But there is no other sport that can compare in terms of genial, non-demanding winter-time family fun. -
At 10:39 p.m.,
mkecurler said...
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Mentok,
I could kiss you!!!!!! I knew you could pull it off!!!!
This is the best STORY ever! I am linking it to my site for eternity (or until you delete it)!!!!
p.s. most US clubs DO NOT allow smoking on the ice. They make up for it on the drinking! -
At 5:21 a.m.,
A. B. Chairiet said...
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That's interesting stuff, M. I learn so much from you fancy Canadians.
And I love when places have ashtrays. Or, I used to.
There was a mini-golf course my cousin and I used to play at, and it had ashtrays all over the place! Great, great stuff. Kids walking around. Giant giraffes and windmills, and me, just smoking away! ;)
Anyways, If curling’s like bowling, I bet it is fun. Thanks for filling me in.
Happy Tuesday,
~ Ash -
At 8:11 a.m.,
Jen said...
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hilarious! and well written.
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At 9:41 p.m.,
X said...
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I love these "making fun of Newfee" jokes!!
