Thursday, February 23, 2006
Gretzky Changes Story, Demands To Be Jailed
Turin, Italy (FN) - Following Team Canada's stunning shut-out in men's Olympic hockey, coach Wayne Gretzky recanted his previous declarations of innocence in the Rick Tocchet illegal gambling scandal.
"Oh yeah, I did all that illegal gambling. Millions of bucks. On hockey, too. I beat my wife and told her to bet all our money. That's right, I'm a wife-beater. And a murderer. I once chopped a guy up and ate him because he was trying to stop me from making child porn. I'm a bad, bad man. I should be locked up in solitary confinement forever," said the former hockey great.
Sources close to Gretzky say he decided to change his plea on the gambling charges after failing in efforts to secure political asylum from the government of Iraq.
"He figured there's no hockey in Iraq, so he would be safe there," said a source who asked to remain anonymous.
New Jersey prosecutors, however, are skeptical about Gretzky's change of heart.
"We have no reason to believe any of this. We think he's just making up these outlandish claims just to avoid facing the music back home in Canada," said New Jersey Assistant District Attorney James Olsen.
Canadian Crown Prosecutors, on the other hand, say they completely believe Gretzky's claims and have demanded that Italian officials extradite him to Canada immediately.
"Oh yeah, we've got a penalty for him alright, and it ain't two minutes for looking so good," said Ontario Crown Prosecutor Harry Shanks.
Although Gretzky's attempt to be jailed to avoid harsher penalties is unusual, it is not unprecedented, say legal experts.
"It's what we call the 'Monopoly Defence'. You know how, in the later stages of Monopoly when all the properties are developed, the best place to be is in jail so you don't have to pay rent. Well, old Gretzky is sitting on Park Place and just rolled double-ones to land him on Boardwalk with hotels, so no kidding he's rather be in pokey right now," says defence lawyer Tony Shapiro.
posted by Mentok @ 9:28 a.m.,
5 Comments:
-
At 8:44 p.m.,
Bathroom Hippo said...
-
Wayne Gretzky and the Goblet of Fire
Bastard. -
At 5:14 a.m.,
A. B. Chairiet said...
-
Funny stuff, M, but isn't this blasphemy? I thought Wayne Gretzky was like a God to you people. ;)
Mmmm...Wayne Gretzky.
Happy Sunday!
~ Ash -
At 8:43 a.m.,
Mentok said...
-
Have I given you the impression previously that I am afraid of speaking blasphemy?
-
At 9:06 a.m.,
mkecurler said...
-
Wayne Wayne wayne! why why why!
You are the mind taker! Canada won gold for curling. First time ever!
I'd love to see that party!!!
We took bronze- that's not too bad! I'd love to see a curling story here!!!!! -
At 1:16 p.m.,
Mentok said...
-
Your wish is my command, sabatkes.
