Friday, April 28, 2006
Links Updates
As some of you know, Mrs. Mentok (aka Library Mama) has started her own blog.
Also, the former Mentok Jr. site has now been rebranded as a joint site run by the two oldest mini-Mentoks. They promise new material soon.
posted by Mentok @ 1:47 p.m.,
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Thursday, April 27, 2006
Crack Dealers Adopt Responsible Marketing
New York (FN) - An upscale New York hotel was the site of the historic first meeting of the American Crystal Cocaine Manufacturers Association (ACCMA).
ACCMA is part of a grassroots effort to develop a more positive, community-centered image for an industry that contributes more than $35 billion a year to the American economy.
"Given the fact that tens of millions of people smoke crack in this country, and countless others would seek to eliminate it altogether, there may never be agreement on whether crack cocaine can be marketed responsibly. What ACCMA is here to do is to make an honest effort at finding that agreement," said association founder Jeffery "Dev Dog" Douglas.
The inaugural meeting approved a series of resolutions on responsible crack marketing.
"How can an industry that produces a dangerous and addictive product like crack cocaine market that product in a way that's acceptable to society? What kind of an industry would it need to be? It would need to be open and honest about the dangers of crack. It wouldn't market to children. It would search for ways to reduce the harm associated with crack. It would willingly accept comprehensive and meaningful federal regulatory authority over crystal cocaine products."
"For its customers who have decided to quit, it would help them find the resources they need to be successful. This is the kind of crack cocaine industry the ACCMA seeks to be," said Douglas in the closing address.
As a first effort towards its new goals, ACCMA announced that all members would participate in a voluntary labelling program.
"Dime bags will now come printed with a skull and crossbones and a simple, direct message: 'Crack Will Fuck You Up'. That is the sort of message I believe our customers will understand," said Douglas.
The labelling program will be funded by the association, through a check-off levy on sales to street-level dealers.
- 30 -
posted by Mentok @ 10:38 p.m.,
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Sunday, April 23, 2006
IMF Probes Global Blowjob Shortage
The Hague (FN) - The International Monetary Fund has called an emergency summit of world economic experts to tackle the looming crisis posed by the ongoing shortfall in fellatio services in most developed countries.
"I don't know how to explain it. Blowjobs appear to defy all known laws of economics. Unless we resolve this, it could have far-reaching implications for all aspects of the global economy. Today it's blowjobs, tomorrow it could be automobiles or wheat," said IMF Policy Director Mark Allen.
The crux of the fellatio crisis lies in the consistent failure of supply to meet demand, thereby throwing into doubt many of the most basic principles of economics.
Renowed Hong Kong economist Dr. Nad Lei Cheung, Ph.D. explained the conundrum at the summit's opening session.
"By our estimates, 50 per cent of the human race has an unsatiated demand for this service. Depending on circumstances, between 50 and 100 per cent of the human race has the capacity to deliver this service. In theory, this should lead to a perfect-competition market which, after an initial period of price elasticity, should result in universal availability at marginal cost. This quite clearly is not the case since I for one have not had a hummer in so long my nuts are turning blue," said Cheung.
Cheung noted that, among more or less developed countries, only Scandanavian countries, the Netherlands and Thailand have achieved acceptable levels of knob-gobbling market penetration.
The summit has already exposed the deep ideological divisions that lay at the root of the hypofellatic epidemic. Delegates from China, France and South America have tried to insist on defining fellatio as a public good and subjecting it to government supply regulation. The United States and several of its Western Hemisphere allies have countered that there must be an element of personal responsiblity and choice in any suckage solution.
"While we agree that penis care must become more affordable, we cannot eliminate the element of choice. Blow-jobs are not perfectly transitive commodities. If we start distributing blow-jobs through socialized penis care, does this then mean that I am bound to accept the government offerings and cannot seek either cheaper or higher quality products elsewhere? That was the whole discussion that ended my second marriage and I'll be damned if I'll see that become international law," said one American economist.
posted by Mentok @ 11:35 p.m.,
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Friday, April 21, 2006
Second Canadian Donates Liver To Sick Kids
Toronto (FN) - One year after one Ontarian made an anonymous liver donation, a second man has made a similar offer.
On Thursday, Kevin Gosling of Cornwall, ON was honoured at a public ceremony in Toronto. Last year, Gosling donated a portion of his liver to save the life of a girl he had never met.
Later the same day, Gary O'Leary, a self-described raconteur and patron at Gabby's Bar & Grill on King Street, held a media scrum at the tavern to announce that he would also be donating his liver "for the foreseeable future."
"I had no idea liver was so good for the l'il tikes. Myself, I can't stand the shit. I don't even know why I order it except that it's supposed to help you digest alcohol better," said O'Leary.
With reporters looking on, O'Leary ordered a waitress to wrap up his plate of Liver'n'Onions Special, which he immediately sent by courier to the Toronto General Hospital.
In a statement typified by earnest, strongly worded proclamations, O'Leary's most impassioned comments were reserved for comparisons with Gosling.
"That f**ker only donated part of his liver. I'm donating my whole, goddamn liver, today and every f**king day from now on. You f**king reporters better be in here kissing my ass every day the way you were kissing his ass today," said O'Leary.
Officials at the Toronto General Hospital were gracious in their response to O'Leary's offer.
"We will be pleased to accept Mr. O'Leary's donation of cooked liver. We recognize that his heart is in the right place, even though his brains are clearly in his ass," said Linda Wright, a bioethicist at Toronto's University Health Network.
posted by Mentok @ 12:12 a.m.,
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Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Quitting Is Fun!
I don't like making personal comments here, but this is a special occasion.
Those of you who know me in real life will be pleased to hear I'm quitting smoking. I've tried quitting many times before but this time feels like it's going to stick.
I've been a nicotine addict for 24 years. The toxins dig in pretty deep over that time. I can't begin to describe how difficult it is. I look, act and sound like a freaked out junky right now.
...And that's the fun part! The great thing about quitting smoking is that you get to act like as much of a prick and a loon as you like and nobody dares to get mad at you. You can go off on bitter rants on anybody - your spouse, your kids, your friends, your boss - and they can't react or hold what you say against you because, you know, it's just the nicotine monkey talking.
It's a fantastic cathartic experience. For a little while, you get to take a holiday from niceness and self-control and live without "reason and accountability", as the saying goes. I almost wish I could go through this regularly. It would be nice to set aside a little period of time, let's say once a month, to vent all one's frustrations. But that's unrealistic. If people started acting crazy once a month, the excuse would eventually wear thin, wouldn't it? ;-)
Wish me luck.
posted by Mentok @ 11:41 a.m.,
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Sunday, April 16, 2006
Harvard Finds Use for Theses
Harvard (FN) - Researchers at the Harvard have made a discovery that has eluded academic institutions for centuries: a practical use for masters and doctoral theses.
Like most universities, Harvard is required to store the pointless and repetitive research papers produced by everyone who receives an advanced degree. Storage has been a problem until Harvard whiz kids landed on the idea of using thesis papers for insulation.
"As America's oldest university, we have felt the thesis problem more acutely than other institutions. After 370 years of handing out advanced degrees, we have buildings full of long, unreadable diatribes on every inhumanly boring topic under the sun. If we didn't do something, the sheer mass of stored theses threatened to create a black hole that would swallow the whole university," said Venkatesh "Venky" Narayanamurti, Harvard's Dean of Engineering and Applied Sciences.
Materials engineering graduate students under the direction of Professor Michael Weitz succeeded in developing a form of spray-on coating that renders a thesis paper fire retardant and gives it an insulation level of R-30.
The resulting insulation product can be dropped directly into a wall cavity to save both energy and valuable university storage space. The spray does not mar the surface of the paper so the thesis is still legible in the unlikely event that someone in the future wants to read it.
Harvard has already started insulating buildings with thesis papers, although Narayanamurti says it will take years before the task is completed.
"At first we wanted to to it on a purely thematic basis by insulating the various academic buildings with related thesis. We soon found that we could have insulated the entire university with sociology thesis just on the topics of feminism and the effects of the patriarchy. We've tried to find other universities to take them, but they're saying they've had enough of that kind of stuff even as insulation."
posted by Mentok @ 9:35 p.m.,
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Wednesday, April 12, 2006
2000s Dubbed 'The Buttcrack Generation'
Geneva, Switzerland (FN) - The World Slogan Council (WSC) today announced that the current turn-of-the-century period will be officially known as The Buttcrack Generation.
"We had a very hard time coming up with the right name for this era. We thought about 'Generation Z' but the letter thing has been overdone. We thought about 'Funsicle Generation', a play on the phrase fin de siècle, but we didn't think enough people would get the gag. Finally, we landed on Buttcrack Generation and that's just the one that seemed to jibe," said WSC spokesman Philippe Vanderhosny.
The phrase, which will be used to describe the period from approximately 1997 through to 2010, was coined to reflect the fact that the period falls in-between the 20th and 21st Centuries.
"You can imagine that the 20th Century was a big left cheek and the 21st Century unfolding before us is a big right cheek. I guess that would make us the anus. Ha! Annus Anus! I hadn't thought of that before," said Vanderhosny.
In choosing the term, the WSC also tried to capture the style and mores of the period.
"Many people think about previous periods in terms of the fashions at the time. I think it's pretty certain that when people, especially men, look back on this period, their first thought will be 'Boy, did we ever see a lot of buttcrack in those days'".
posted by Mentok @ 12:48 p.m.,
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Monday, April 10, 2006
Top 10 Revelations from Book of Judas
New York (FN) - The recently uncovered Book of Judas continues to astound Biblical scholars as the ancient text reveals previously unknown insights into the nature of early Christianity.
Amongst the more intriguing discoveries:
1. Judas' refusal to allow Jesus to wash his feet was not motivated by guilt but rather because "it just felt kinda gay."
2. Judas felt that the Pharisees cheated him by paying him his 30 pieces of silver in Canaanian denari, worth 30% less than Aramaican funds.
3. Judas' version of the arrest of Jesus contains previously unknown dialogue. When the Pharisees' guard gets his ear cut off, he is alleged to have said: "Owww, Jesus Christ, you cut my ear off!"
4. Judas did not in fact commit suicide. Biblical references to him being "hung" were referring to something else entirely.
5. Judas' account of the flogging of Christ suggest that the Messiah himself may have been the author of the phrase "Is that the best you've got, sucka?"
6. A passage in the text reveals that, when Christ appeared before his disciples after his alledged death, he was sharply critical of Peter, who denied Jesus three times even after Jesus had accurately predicted the event. The passage reads:
"And Christ said unto Peter, Surely have I seen no greater fool than you Peter. For when a wise man hears a prophesy of his faults, he heeds onto that wisdom and avoids his fault, but when a fool hears a prophesy, he gives it no weight and thereto commits the fault as though his ears had no hearing. And so you have done Peter. Was it that thou hadst been drinking the fruit of the vine to excess on that day? Is that your mother is the daughter of thine father's brother, that your reason should leave you so? Verily, Peter, I have seen rocks that act with more wisdom. On this rock shall I build my Church?"
7. In an act of prophesy that has astounded believers and non-believers alike, Jesus is quoted in the Book of Judas rendering an opinion on Yacht Rock controversies which were at that time nearly two millenia in the future:
"And Jesus said, Unto you shall come a singer named Christopher Cross and his songs shall be the most smooth, like unto the songs of the angels for by his name my sacrifice shall be honoured. But heed not unto Hall and Oates for they sing with the tongue of Satan."
8. Christ's dying words on the cross were not "Father why have you forsaken me?" but rather "Hey daddy what's shakin'?", an apparent reference to an old carpentry school chum he spotted in the crowd. Christ's frat buddy is then quoted to have asked, "I'm fine, how art thou my Lord?", to which Jesus replied "Oh, you know, hanging in there."
9. Judas reports that chuckles broke out on Cavalry Hill when someone shouted "Hey, Mary!" and six different women answered "What?"
10. During his donkey-ride into Jerusalem, Jesus is reported to have stopped to talk to well-wishers along the way. According to Judas' account, Jesus ended the encounter by announcing "Well, I'd love to stay and chat but I gotta get my ass in gear."
OK, I promise this will be the last Book of Judas piece. It's just such a fun topic to riff on. - MTMT
posted by Mentok @ 1:56 p.m.,
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Saturday, April 08, 2006
Murphy, Hanks to Star in Book of Judas
Hollywood (FN) - What was once an ancient secret will soon be a Hollywood blockbuster. Paramount Pictures announced today that they have optioned a script based on the recently discovered Book of Judas.
The long-lost Gospel, allegedly written by Judas Iscariot, turned the religious world on its head last week with its suggestion that Judas was in fact not a traitor but rather Jesus' closest friend and confidant.
Paramount spokesman described the archaeological find as a natural extension of the current Da Vinci Code buzz and promised that the forthcoming script would treat the historical subjects respectfully.
"The historical significance of this discovery cannot be understated. What we have discovered here, at long last, are the ancient origins of the buddy movie," said Paramount publicist Chad Ryerson.
Ryerson also indicated that the production has tentatively cast Eddie Murphy to play Jesus and Tom Hanks to play Judas Iscariot.
Although script details are still under wraps, Ryerson indicated that it would be generally faithful to the original story.
"This is, after all, an inspiring story, so you can hardly blame us if the final result is a story that is 'inspired by' the original rather than a slavish adaptation."
In the story, Judas is portrayed as a by-the-book religious scholar who teams up with Jesus, a freewheeling reformer who refuses to play by the rules.
The duo's rollercoaster relationship unfolds through their madcap adventures across Judea. Tension rises as it appears that Judas betrays Jesus, but this turns out to be a clever shell-game planned by Jesus himself.
When the pair's schemes go awry, Judas puts his own neck on the line by taking the case to the High Court in Heaven where he convinces God to give his beleagured partner a second chance.
"I predict there won't be a dry eye in the house. It's going to be the most uplifting scene since Al Pacino's climactic performance in Scent of a Woman," Ryerson said.
posted by Mentok @ 11:15 a.m.,
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Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Harper Promises Change
Ottawa (FN) - Canada's new Conservative government has promised to help out ordinary working families in a very tangible way by putting more coin in their pockets.
"On January 23rd, Canadians voted for change. They entrusted our party to deliver that change. As Prime Minister, I promise that we will give Canadians the change they have demanded," Harper said in a speech to officials at the Royal Canadian Mint.
Harper described how the Tories' promise to cut the Goods and Services Tax (GST), the federal sales tax, by one percent in the upcoming budget would lead to more change.
"The GST cut will allow Canadians to see change every day, every time they make a purchase. The one percent tax reduction will ensure that all small-to-middle level purchases, those under $200, will lead to an increased supply of pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, loonies and toonies in taxpayers' pockets."
However, Harper made it clear that the Conservatives would stick to their principles of smaller government by not regulating change for bigger-ticket purchases.
"We're not going to do like the Liberals and tell business people how to satisfy their customers. What we are going to do is ask car dealers and other sellers of more expensive items to stock up on coins because Canadians are demanding change."
Harper ended his speech on a philosophical note.
"Some people are afraid of change. I remember in the 1980s, when the $1 'loonie' coin was introduced, there were many people who were against it. Today, everyone from vending machine manufacturers to tip-soliciting strippers have come to appreciate how change has improved their lives. In our modern economy, change is inevitable, so we must embrace it."
posted by Mentok @ 12:47 p.m.,
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Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Still the God of Assholes
Gotta love Jack...
MTMT
"You don't hear about Tom Hanks running around nights. You don't hear about Tom Hanks stealing. You don't read about Tom Hanks in The National Inquirer," Nicholson quipped.
"That's what I like about Tom Hanks -- he never gets caught."
posted by Mentok @ 11:41 a.m.,
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Still Canada's Greatest Export
Hate relying on real news so much, but this one was too good to resist...
These Women Asked for a 'B' Not a 'D'
| CanWest News Service |
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
NEW YORK -- Three women are suing a Canadian-trained doctor for allegedly fitting them with Pamela Anderson-sized breast implants in defiance of their requests for more moderately sized mammaries.
In a lawsuit filed in Manhattan Supreme Court, the trio claim unspecified damages against Dr. Brad Jacobs, a plastic surgeon who attended medical school at Montreal's McGill University in the 1980s and 1990s...
"All three received breast implants that were not only far larger than what they had asked for, but more importantly far larger than what was appropriate for their body size," their lawyer, Gary Douglas, said in a statement...
Jacobs, whose celebrity patients have included 2005 Playboy Playmate Courtney Culkin, denies he gave the women anything more than they requested.
"They're unhappy -- and why were they having their breasts enlarged in the first place?" his lawyer John Jankoff said in an interview Monday...
Jacobs presents numerous examples of his work in a "photo gallery" on his Web site.
But the lawsuit says each of the women suing him "suffered severe injuries to her breasts and elsewhere" after he treated them between 2004 and 2006. It adds that each was "confined to home" and "compelled to" seek other remedial treatment.
"I wanted to leave with a 34B, but the day after my surgery I was huge," said Felice Rosenbaum, 40, as she discussed her experience with the other two women, reported the New York Post...
- 30 -
Oh, so that's what you Americans consider large breasted. OK, now we know. Simple misunderstanding, bud.
I discovered something very interesting while researching this article. The medical term for breast enlargement surgery is "Augmentation Mammaplasty", which demonstrates yet again that more than a handful is a mouthful.
- MTMT
posted by Mentok @ 11:23 a.m.,
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