Monday, April 10, 2006
Top 10 Revelations from Book of Judas
New York (FN) - The recently uncovered Book of Judas continues to astound Biblical scholars as the ancient text reveals previously unknown insights into the nature of early Christianity.
Amongst the more intriguing discoveries:
1. Judas' refusal to allow Jesus to wash his feet was not motivated by guilt but rather because "it just felt kinda gay."
2. Judas felt that the Pharisees cheated him by paying him his 30 pieces of silver in Canaanian denari, worth 30% less than Aramaican funds.
3. Judas' version of the arrest of Jesus contains previously unknown dialogue. When the Pharisees' guard gets his ear cut off, he is alleged to have said: "Owww, Jesus Christ, you cut my ear off!"
4. Judas did not in fact commit suicide. Biblical references to him being "hung" were referring to something else entirely.
5. Judas' account of the flogging of Christ suggest that the Messiah himself may have been the author of the phrase "Is that the best you've got, sucka?"
6. A passage in the text reveals that, when Christ appeared before his disciples after his alledged death, he was sharply critical of Peter, who denied Jesus three times even after Jesus had accurately predicted the event. The passage reads:
"And Christ said unto Peter, Surely have I seen no greater fool than you Peter. For when a wise man hears a prophesy of his faults, he heeds onto that wisdom and avoids his fault, but when a fool hears a prophesy, he gives it no weight and thereto commits the fault as though his ears had no hearing. And so you have done Peter. Was it that thou hadst been drinking the fruit of the vine to excess on that day? Is that your mother is the daughter of thine father's brother, that your reason should leave you so? Verily, Peter, I have seen rocks that act with more wisdom. On this rock shall I build my Church?"
7. In an act of prophesy that has astounded believers and non-believers alike, Jesus is quoted in the Book of Judas rendering an opinion on Yacht Rock controversies which were at that time nearly two millenia in the future:
"And Jesus said, Unto you shall come a singer named Christopher Cross and his songs shall be the most smooth, like unto the songs of the angels for by his name my sacrifice shall be honoured. But heed not unto Hall and Oates for they sing with the tongue of Satan."
8. Christ's dying words on the cross were not "Father why have you forsaken me?" but rather "Hey daddy what's shakin'?", an apparent reference to an old carpentry school chum he spotted in the crowd. Christ's frat buddy is then quoted to have asked, "I'm fine, how art thou my Lord?", to which Jesus replied "Oh, you know, hanging in there."
9. Judas reports that chuckles broke out on Cavalry Hill when someone shouted "Hey, Mary!" and six different women answered "What?"
10. During his donkey-ride into Jerusalem, Jesus is reported to have stopped to talk to well-wishers along the way. According to Judas' account, Jesus ended the encounter by announcing "Well, I'd love to stay and chat but I gotta get my ass in gear."
OK, I promise this will be the last Book of Judas piece. It's just such a fun topic to riff on. - MTMT
posted by Mentok @ 1:56 p.m.,
3 Comments:
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At 3:14 p.m.,
Bathroom Hippo said...
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When Jesus was giving the sermon on the Mount it was snowing. Jesus tripped and caused a snowball effect. Thousands were killed. This was his greatest miracle. -
At 8:14 p.m.,
mkecurler said...
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#4 was the bomb! Was he cut or uncut.....hmmmmmmmm!
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At 6:08 a.m.,
A. B. Chairiet said...
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This is good and silly and well written, but it makes my tummy hurt.
Oh. And hi. Now that all is right with the world, I guess I can start commenting again. ;)
I liked the piece about "Change". Funny, funny stuff. :)
Happy Wednesday,
~ Ash
