Friday, March 31, 2006
Goose!
This news pic of Canadian PM Harper and US Prez Bush caught my fancy. The caption possibilities boggle the imagination:
Or...
Other suggestions?
On a related topic, Mrs. M asks the very good question: Why the hell is Harper wearing a flak jacket in Mexico (in fact, the same exact outfit he wore to Afghanistan) when everyone else is wearing sunny whites?
...and another thing: What is that in Harper's pocket? I can make out a couple of ring-like shapes which look very suspicious.
Maybe that explains the flak jacket. Maybe Peter Mackay told him "Hey, if you're going to Cancun, make sure you take protection." Harper was too embarrassed to ask which kind, so he brought both. ;-)
- MTMT
posted by Mentok @ 10:08 a.m.,
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Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Slacker Snob Nets Fraud Charge
Boston, MA - Sometimes a big lie works the best, but only for awhile. A Massachusetts court today heard the case of a Boston man who successfully dodged work for over a year after claiming he had been transformed into a giant cockroach.
Daniel Levesque, a junior copywriter for the weekly advertising supplement The Boston Sunshine, was charged with two counts of fraud after bilking both his employer and the Workers Compensation Board out of over $30,000.
Levesque, who holds a Masters Degree in Comparative Literature from Harvard University had long been unhappy with his job with the paper and was widely unpopular with fellow employees.
"He was always letting you know that he thought he was too good for the job he was doing and that he felt insulted by having to work with 'plebians' like us," one co-worker said.
On the morning of November 30, 2004, Levesque called in sick citing his alleged insectoid transformation. He subsequently filed for a paid leave-of-absence, followed by a successful Workers Compensation claim based on his contention that his cockroach tentacles left him unable to use a computer.
Levesque appeared well on his way to getting away with the scam until his former editor picked up a comic-book adaptation of The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka. The classic existential novel describes the tribulations of the main character, Gregor Samsa, who inexplicably turns into a cockroach. On closer examination, it turned out that Levesque had lifted entire sections of the book to describe his condition in his Workers Compensation submissions.
In addition to the fraud charges, Levesque has been disciplined by the Society of Professional Journalists for plagarism.
Levesque remained defiant to the end.
"Frankly, I'm astonished those neanderthals ever heard of Franz Kafka. Why am I not surprised that they found him in a comic book?" Levesque said.
posted by Mentok @ 1:27 p.m.,
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Monday, March 27, 2006
FEMA Screw-up Riles Hillbillies
Little Rock, AR (FN) - A tornado of anger continues to sweep across Arkansas as politicians and taxpayers alike react to the latest FEMA incompetence scandal.
Last week, Arkansas media widely reported that FEMA had purchased 10,477 mobile homes to help deal with the Hurricane Katrina disaster. However, the federal agency had no plan for how to use the homes, which now sit empty on a cow pasture near the ironically-named town of Hope, Arkansas.
"In Arkansas of all places, for the federal government to wave empty mobile homes in front of people's noses like a carrot is simply the height of cruelty.
State legislators were similarly incensed, saying that the Hope park poured salt in the wound of the state's problems with mobile homelessness.
"Mobile homelessness has reached epidemic proportions all across our state. It breaks your heart to see people suffer like this. It has gotten so bad that it is no longer just the poor who are affected by mobile homelessness. I've heard of cases of doctors, lawyers and even politicians being forced to live in three-story walk-outs and split-levels because there just weren't any mobile homes available. It is an insult to the dignity of Arkansans," said state Rep. Laura Berkley (D).
FEMA officials have publicly defended the Hope park, saying that the unpopulated mobile home settlement serves as a safe and effective "lightning rod" for tornados and other extreme weather events.
posted by Mentok @ 6:08 p.m.,
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Friday, March 24, 2006
Scientists Disprove Dispute Resolution
Melbourne, Australia (FN) - Centuries of dispute resolution have gone out the window, according to a ground-breaking study released today from the Australian Synchrotron Project (ASP).
In addition to focus groups research, Australian scientists used synchrotron facilities to test the physical, chemical and radiological properties of conventional dispute-resolution theories.
"I'm sure the results will surprise many people. Certainly, we were surprised. While our findings may be hard for some to accept, the entire role of science is constantly to challenge our assumptions about the world around us," said Dr. Bruce Collins, Ph.D., senior project manager at ASP.
Among the results:
- Rocks typically do not break scissors. "This depends on the quality of the scissors, of course, but in the majority of cases a rock of a size that a human being could carry in one hand will not be capable of breaking a pair of tempered steel scissors in one shot. Really, you'd have to bang repeatedly on the scissors pretty hard with the rock even to bend them, although in many cases even this will not completely impair the scissors' cutting functionality," Collins said.
- Paper has no capacity to neutralize rocks. "This one was the big shocker. Popular wisdom suggests that a rock can be rendered harmless by wrapping it in paper. In fact, it appears that the opposite is true. Paper itself is actually more prone to having its surface integrity compromised if it is proximate to rock. Furthermore, paper does not appear to provide any substantial protection to other objects being struck by the rock," Collins said.
ASP's testing did, however, verify that scissors will generally cut paper.
The lab's results were more encouraging when it came to some of the less accepted modes of dispute resolution.
"People look down their noses at moves like Dynamite-Blows-Up-Rock or Gun-Trumps-Everything, but we found that these moves consistently work. I know there are many who are critical of the American's approach to the war in Iraq, but I'm here to say that they are using methods that have been proven by science. Shock and awe will win an argument far faster than rock, paper or scissors."
posted by Mentok @ 3:56 p.m.,
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Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Geek Ticketed Despite Jedi Training
Ogden, Utah (FN) - It was a bizarre case of religion and pop-culture versus the law in an Ogden court-room yesterday.
Barry Jordan, a 24-year-old comic-shop employee, appeared before Ogden Traffic Court to contest a speeding ticket he received on March 5th. Jordan and his friends belong to an off-beat religion known as the Church of Latter-Day Jedi (CLDJ).
"We believe that Star Wars is not just a series of movies but that they are parables of the divine meaning of the Force that were revealed to the Holy Prophet George Lucas, peace be unto his name," Jordan explained.
The court saw videotape from the cruiser-cam of Officer Brent Nefari who had pulled over Jordan and three of his CLDJ friends for speeding:
_______
OFFICER NEFARI: You boys were going a little fast, weren't you?
JORDAN: This speeder's been acting up. We've had it for three or four seasons. It's for sale, if you're interested.
OFFICER NEFARI: Could I see your driver's licence and registration please.
JORDAN: (waves hand) You don't need to see my driver's licence and registration.
OFFICER NEFARI: Have you boys been drinking?
JORDAN: (waves hand) These aren't the drunks you're looking for.
OFFICER NEFARI: What?
JORDAN: (waves hand) Move along, move along.
[The tape ends with Nefari ordering the youths out of the vehicle and subjecting them to a search.]
_______________
Jordan, who represented himself in court, accused Officer Nefari of being a Sith and suggested that the judge and all court observers were in league with the Emperor.
Jordan antics not only netted him a conviction on the traffic offence but also got him charged with contempt of court. Court observers openly cheered when the judge ordered the baliff to have Jordan removed.
"So this is how liberty dies - to thunderous applause!" Jordan shouted as he was led away.
Outside the court house, Jordan continued to express bewilderment at the entire episode.
"I can't understand it. I've used the Jedi mind trick dozens of times during Dungeons and Dragons games and it has always worked. Officer Nefari? I name him Darth Nefari. There is no other explanation," Jordan said.
posted by Mentok @ 9:59 a.m.,
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Monday, March 20, 2006
School Board Policy Gets Nod From Evil Mastermind
Lakeland (FN) - The 2006-2007 budget for the Lakeland District School Board received an unexpected stamp of approval today from an evil mastermind plotting to take over the world.
Gerald Levine, a 38-year-old Lakeland accountant and self-described "Mighty Overlord of Humankind", issued a press release today endorsing the majority of the Board's budget and annual policy resolutions.
"Lakeland District School Board, you have pleased me very well with your budget. As you well know, the construction of my fearsome Mind-Control Beam is an expensive proposition. By keeping mill rates at a level affordable to middle-class families, you have performed a valuable service for the advancement of my devious plans. Muhaha!" Levine said.
Levine also had high praise for the board's 'Kids First' five-year capital investment plan.
"In order to create my Dark Army of World Domination, I must have a skilled workforce at my disposal. By holding the line on teachers' salaries and investing surplus funds into resources for students, you have shown obeisance to my terrible will."
Levine's commentary was not entirely without criticism, however.
"Administrative costs continue to rise. Why do you risk your lives by defying my repeated commands on this subject? Likewise, your decision not to require receipts for entertainment expenses below $20 is a fool-hardy act of insolence for which you will surely pay a great price."
Despite these harsh comments, Levine ended his statement on a high note.
"Lakeland District School Board, you have once again served me well. Rest tonight in the knowledge that I shall spare your lives for another day," Levine said.
posted by Mentok @ 2:35 a.m.,
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Saturday, March 18, 2006
Long Dreaded Comeupance
Pray for me, dear readers. Today, every single vain promise I have made in my entire life has come due at once. The wolves, snarling and hungry, are circling outside my house.
The article below should make it all clear. This is a real story, not a fake. I repeat, not a fake. Please believe me. Oh, God, I suddenly understand what that "Boy Who Cried Wolf" story was all about.
I'm afraid, very afraid. You would be too. :
- MTMT
Breeding Stock Flown to Chile
It was a case of pigs in space at Regina International Airport on Friday.
More than 300 head of swine were loaded onto a plane bound for Chile where they will be used for breeding stock, said Doug Aikens, with PIC operations in Kipling. The animals travel to Chile via Miami.
Airport officials said they expect another load of swine breeding stock will be shipped to Santiago through the company TOPIGS next month.
Norm Cowan, manager at Dryden Air Service, the business that boarded the Saskatchewan pigs, said it's not the kind of cargo they see in a normal day's work, but they expect to see a few more such loads than usual this year.
[Source: The Leader-Post, Saturday March 18, 2006]
posted by Mentok @ 2:25 p.m.,
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Friday, March 17, 2006
Optimists Fire CFO
St. Louis, MO (FN) - The popular service club, Optimists International found themselves in court today over a bitter personal dispute with a former financial officer.
Gary Lombowski, former Chief Financial Officer and 20-year veteran of the club, is claiming damages of $250,000 against the organization for "imputing his professional reputation and unfairly disgracing him in front of his Optimist peers", according to a writ filed in Missouri Superior Court.
Lumbowski claims the Optimists fired him as CFO and stripped him of his membership after he filed an annual financial report last March. In the report, Lumbowski noted that declining revenue trends had put the organization in a severe deficit situation and that it would have to consider laying off staff and selling assets to rectify the situation.
The Optimists are denying that any professional slight was intended but stand by their move on the basis of the organization's charter.
"It wasn't that Gary's report was inaccurate. It's just that it wasn't, you know, very optimistic," said Optimist spokesman Henry Gerhard.
Lumbowski said that, if successful, he would use a portion of the settlement to form a competing service club for disillusioned Optimists.
"I was thinking of calling it the Pessimists, but that's too obvious. Instead, I'm thinking of calling it something like The Black Skulls. That'd be a pretty cool club name, eh?" Lumbowski said.
posted by Mentok @ 11:10 a.m.,
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Tuesday, March 14, 2006
New Project
Yes, I will be putting up new funny bits soon. I've been caught up in a creative writing project and I'd like my readers' feedback. For years I've noodled about a science-fiction version of C.S. Lewis's The Screwtape Letters, but I've never been able to come up with a format I was comfortable with. I've decided to try doing it as a sort of blog novel. Novel may not be the right term, since it only has a loose approximation of a plot and I haven't really figured out an end-point yet.
I already have a bunch written, but I'll be doling it out in bits, blogger-style.
It's called Field Diary and you can find it at www.myfielddiary.blogspot.com
So, give it a few days and let me know what you think. Don't be afraid to be cruel. I don't pretend to be a fiction writer.
- MTMT
posted by Mentok @ 3:48 p.m.,
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Saturday, March 11, 2006
Death of an Icon
Today is a very sad day for Canadian comedy. Canadian Tire has announced that they are retiring Ted, the Canadian Tire Guy.
My apologies to my American readers. No amount of explanation or subtitling can adequately explain or convey how profoundly important Ted had become to the Canadian humour psyche. Know only that he was a fictional character who knew a lot about tools and that he was loved. And hated. OK, mostly hated, but it was the good kind of hate, the funny kind.
To my Canadian readers (if I still have any), I would like to invite you to use this space as a book of remembrance for your favourite Canadian Tire Guy memories, both real and parody.
Allow me to kick things off. My favourite Canadian Tire Guy parody was a recent one on This Hour Has 22 Minutes. A neighbour comes over to tell Ted that the neighbour's wife has died. Ted responds to all of the neighbour's comments with typical home-handyman advice:
"Raising the kids without Susan is going to be a really tough job for me," says the bereaved neighbour.
"Whenever I have a tough job, I rely on the Mastercraft 600 cordless power drill set. It's Switch-and-Go tip makes changing bits a snap!" says faux Canadian Tire Guy.
Ted, the Canadian Tire Guy, 1998-2006. Rest in peace, Ted. We hardly knew ye.
- MTMT
posted by Mentok @ 11:45 a.m.,
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Friday, March 10, 2006
FAA Sues God
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| God not qualified co-pilot, feds claim |
"These guys have been making a mint off of those 'God Is My Co-Pilot' licence plates, but none of those guys is actually a licenced pilot. Pilot is a regulated professional term, like engineer or doctor. You can't just use it because you feel like it," said FAA legal counsel Henry Shapiro.
Shapiro noted previous efforts to get the Holy Trinity to complete their pilot training had been ignored.
"Are any of these guys licenced? No. Have they submitted their log-books? No. Have they flown the required number of training hours with a qualified instructor? No. I don't care if someone thinks they're all knowing. Unless they complete the requirements set out in regulation, they cannot call themselves pilots."
Shapiro went on to question Jesus Ben-David's suitability to become a pilot.
"From what I know about ancient Middle Eastern lifestyles, these guys drank wine like it was water. Allegedly, this guy was half-cut the day he was arrested. Arrested, mind you! This guy probably couldn't clear customs, much less get a pilot's licence."
The FAA is citing as precedent a 1977 East Indian case in which India's College of Physician and Surgeon's successfully sued Siddharta Gautma Buddha for unauthorized use of the title "The Great Physician."
posted by Mentok @ 3:21 p.m.,
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Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Porn Contains Terror Messages, HSA Says
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| Jenna Jameson: Terror operative? |
Federal investigators discovered that 75 minutes of every porn movie sold and rented in the United States contains terrorist training videos on topics ranging from how to make a bomb to how to blend in with middle-class neighbourhoods.
"Every video. Every single one. I am as astounded as the next man. Apparently, for perhaps as long as a decade, all adult-rated films have contained only 15 minutes of actual porn followed by an hour and fifteen minutes of secret terror training. You could have knocked me over with a feather," said Special Agent Gary Mathers of the FBI.
Agency analysts theorize that Al Quaida may have developed the scheme after discovering that most porn viewers abruptly "lose interest" after approximately 15 minutes of viewing.
The scheme came to light by accident after an unnamed senior HSA manager fell asleep with his video machine still running during a late-night porn session. The manager was awoken suddenly by loud explosion sounds on an Al Quaida video entitled "Steppin' Out: The Right and Wrong Way To Use Shoe Explosives."
"Pardon the pun, but our discovery of that tape was a real stroke of luck," said Mathers.
posted by Mentok @ 4:08 p.m.,
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Thursday, March 02, 2006
Brick Mum On AB Leadership Run
Edmonton (FN) - Alberta political circles were abuzz today with rumours that long-serving Conservative MLA Tory Brick may be considering running to replace Premier Ralph Klein as leader of the Alberta Conservative Party.
Brick, a 37-year-old red brick with the letters 'P.C.' written on his side, was first elected as MLA in 1986 for Lacombe-Ponoka, a rural area north of Red Deer. Although he has never served on cabinet and is not considered a member of Klein's inner circle, he is widely respected for his partisan loyalty and his dedicated service to his constituents.
"What people always say about Brick is that he's a good listener. He almost never loses his cool or gets into arguments with people. His leadership would make a good antidote to the kind of behaviour we've seen from Premier Klein lately," said Spruce Grove-Sturgeon-St. Albert MLA Doug Horner.
Brick's staff, however, vigorously denied the rumours.
"Mr. Brick is a loyal caucus member. It is not appropriate for him or anyone else to be speculating about leadership candidacy while Premier Klein is still our leader. For this reason, he is not making and will not be making any comment on these rumours," said Brick's communications director Edward Carter.
 |
| Brick shares a laugh with Ralph Klein at the annual Premier's Stampede Breakfast |
"I don't know if these rumours are true, but if they are it would be good news. In my estimation, Brick is one of the finest minds in Alberta politics," Day said.
Brick has received frequent praise over the years for his high ethical standards.
"He's not drunk, lecherous, obnoxious or corrupt. How many Alberta politicians can you say that about?" said Horner.
The only hint of scandal in Brick's background came in 1997 when he was accused of assaulting a Liberal MLA on the floor of the Alberta legislature. Brick was later cleared of the charges after video-tape evidence showed that he had actually been hurled across the floor by Premier Klein.
posted by Mentok @ 11:16 p.m.,
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Clinton Follow-up
New York - Bill Clinton is looking to hire interns to work for his foundation, telling students they'll get "hands-on experience" working with staff on the "crucial issues of our day."
[Source: Regina Leader-Post, March 2, 2006]
Too...many...jokes..... MTMT
posted by Mentok @ 10:13 a.m.,
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Wednesday, March 01, 2006
My Son's Crappy Day
Mentok Jr. went on a field trip today with his science class. They toured a sewage plant. The plant staff didn't hold back. They took the kids right into the room with one of the holding pools where the raw sewage flows in before getting treated.
A kid standing beside Mentok Jr. threw up. Mentok Jr. scolded him and told him he at least could have tried to hit the sewage pond.
Mentok Jr. also noticed a life preserver hanging on the wall.
"I figure if they've got one hanging up, there must have been a previous incident. So, like, someone must have fallen in and drowned in sewage at some point. Gross, eh?" he said.
He also noticed the washrooms in the building. He wondered (and it's a good question) where does the sewage from a sewage plant go?
That's my boy.
When they returned to class, the kids were eager to get some fresh air and try to get the disgusting images out of their minds. But the teacher ordered them to sit down right away and write a thorough report on what they had learned.
"You've just been on a field trip. You can't expect to have fun and games all day," she said, allegedly with a straight face. Given that this is the woman responsible for the notorious Responsibility Rugs policy, I completely believe it.
Mentok Jr. said that if his home-room teacher, his favourite teacher, had organized the field trip, they would have toured a pudding factory instead.
I suggested that he simply imagine a pudding factory trip, write his report on that and then substitute a few words here and there.
I think he found that helpful. Especially since he was eating pudding at the time.
posted by Mentok @ 12:03 a.m.,
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