Monday, May 29, 2006

Blog War Erupts In Iraq

Baghdad (FN) - The war in Iraq spilled over into a whole new front as American and insurgent forces exchanged a brutal barrage of attacks on the blogosphere.

Fighting began Saturday when an anonymous commenter left a post on the personal blog of Capt. James Patrick of the 445th Internet Affairs Battalion.

"Hey Yankee running dog..UR so GAY!!!!! There R no words for the gayness of your gayitude because you are so gay," read the message.

Patrick maintained an entrenched position behind the Battalion's firewall and returned fire against the unknown assailant.

"Hey towel-head, I screwed your mom last night. Ooo, she love me long time!" rejoined Patrick.

Fighting quickly spread to blogs throughout Iraq and the U.S. Through a series of hit-and-run sarcastic anonymous posts, insurgents rendered the main website of the U.S. occupying forces inoperative, forcing them to fall back to their back-up site, www.americarocksyourworld.blogspot.com.

U.S. forces engaged the insurgents on a number of Al Quaida and other known terrorist-friendly blogs. Using high-powered automatic email spamming engines, troops from the 445th quickly shut down most insurgent internet activity, forcing them to retreat to their last known outpost, www.binladenisthedude.blogspot.com.

General Myron Dooley, commander of the 445th reported Tuesday that fighting had largely subsided with only sporadic reports of profane "flame" messages coming from outlying areas.

"It appears the insurgents in those areas are dependent mainly on dial-up, so their attacks are now very slow and infrequent," Dooley said.

- 30 -

posted by Mentok @ 12:36 p.m., ,

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Gaza Strip Not As Exotic As It Sounds, Student Says

Gaza, P.A. (FN) - If you are looking for an exotic, fun-filled holiday, stay away from the Gaza Strip. That's the advice of a Seattle-area student who discovered that some destinations are not as good as they sound.

Kevin Pembroke, a marketing student at Washington State University, spent his spring break in the war-torn region. Pembroke says he was under the faulty impression that the Gaza Strip featured casinos, nightclubs and exotic dancing.

"There are like a million examples of 'the strip' being used in a positive way: the Las Vegas Strip, Sunset Strip. Even Daytona Beach has a nightclub zone called 'the strip'. I don't know what these guys are trying to pull," said Pembroke.

The 20-year-old's problems started soon after he got off the plane at Gaza International Airport. Within minutes of leaving the airport in this traditionally Muslim territory, Pembroke approached the first woman he saw and offered to give her a string of plastic beads if she gave him directions to the nearest bar and showed him her breasts.

Pembroke was immediately arrested by Palestinian police and detained in a local holding cell for nearly a month until U.S. Embassy officials could straighten the matter out. Pembroke claimed he was subjected to dead-of-night interrogations, fed only rancid meat and subjected to repeated gang-rapes by large groups of Muslim men.

"I won't say it was the worst vacation I've ever had, but it's right up there. I tell ya, those guys really need to learn a thing or two about marketing. They would flunk right out if they were in my class," Pembroke said.

- 30 -

posted by Mentok @ 10:23 a.m., ,

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Mentok's Mentor

Check out this site:

http://blograma.blogspot.com/

Fake news, like mine, only funnier. He hits the tone of The Onion more often than I do...for that matter, more often than The Onion itself does.

The guy is my new hero!

posted by Mentok @ 5:20 p.m., ,

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Canada Census Crib Notes

It's two days past the census deadline and you still haven't filed. Did you know that this is a prosecutable offence? Did you know that the census people will soon start phoning and knocking on your door to harass you? They are the census people, after all - they know where you live.

I know how you feel. You are worried about giving the wrong answers. How many of us have suffered the shame of answering "Yes" when a survey has asked about 'Sex'?

I bought drinks for a buddy who works in the census office and weaseled out of him the best answers to some of the trickier Canada Census questions. Here you go:

How many gallons of maple syrup does your household consume each month?
a) 1 - 100 b) 100-500 c) over 500

Best Answer: b) . Results are forwarded to the Maple Syrup Marketing Association. By placing yourself in the moderate consumption category, you will be eligible to receive a range of discount coupons.
-----------------------------------

List and explain all occasions on which you failed to watch a regular season NHL game.

Best Answer: None. This is a sucker question, like when airport security guards ask you "Are you carrying any guns or illegal drugs?" Everyone knows this is a prosecutable offence in this country. For God's sake, don't answer!
-----------------------------------

What grade of beaver pelt do you use to insulate your home?
a) Utility b) Standard c) Fine d) Extra-virgin

Best Answer: Depends. If you are a hippy environmental type, answer a) since there is almost no profit in Utility grade pelts, so this will discourage the industry and reduce the slaughter of the noble beaver. If you are interested in receiving coupons, answer c) since that will cause the industry to try to upsell and get you hooked on extra-virgin beaver.
-----------------------------------------

Imagine that Tommy Douglas and Pierre Trudeau were wed in a same-sex marriage ceremony on board the Greenpeace flag ship. Would you:
a) Watch the event on TV
b) Try to buy an invitation on Ebay
c) Faint from joy
d) I refuse to answer on the basis of my right not to incriminate myself

Best Answer: This is a tricky one. The question was designed by the previous Liberal government to determine which citizens should be fast-tracked for government services and which should be prosecuted for hate crimes. The current Conservative government will interpret it very differently. However, it is a minority government that could fall at any time, so by the time your survey is processed the Liberals could be back in power. The safest, most relatively non-commital answer is a).
-----------------------------------------

That should take care of all the really hard questions. If there are any others you are stumbling over, feel free to leave a comment or drop me a line and I'll try to help out.

- MTMT

posted by Mentok @ 10:30 a.m., ,

Monday, May 15, 2006

BBC Apologizes for Interview Gaffe

London (AP) — The BBC has admitted it was taken for a ride by a cabbie.

The network has apologized to its viewers for a studio mix-up that resulted in a cab driver's appearing on live television as an expert on Internet music downloads.

“We interviewed the wrong person,” a British Broadcasting Corp. spokeswoman said Monday while insisting on anonymity in line with company policy. “We apologize to viewers for any confusion.”

The case of mistaken identity occurred May 8 – the day Britain's High Court awarded Apple Computer a victory in a lawsuit against Apple Corps, the Beatles' commercial arm.

In a reaction story to the verdict that is now circulating widely on the Internet, consumer affairs correspondent Karen Bowerman welcomed a man who the BBC thought was computer expert Guy Kewney.

As Ms. Bowerman introduced him, there is a moment when the still unidentified driver realizes the mistake. He scrunches his face into a grimace, and in panic tries to open his mouth as if to explain.

“Were you surprised by this verdict today?” Ms. Bowerman asked.

“I'm very surprised to see the verdict come on me, because I was not expecting that,” he said in a heavy French accent, blinking in the studio lights. “When I came, they told me something else.”

Growing more confident, he gamely went on to deliver his opinion on the future of music downloads following the landmark verdict.

Although the BBC did not elaborate on how the mistake occurred, Mr. Kewney wrote that a studio manager, “wringing his hands as if he wanted to suddenly take the day off,” had called the reception area – rather than the stage door – and was told that Mr. Kewney was there.

Producers apparently realized by the end of the interview that something had gone wrong – and, after they had gone off the air, asked the cabbie if there was a problem.

“He said: 'Well, it was okay, but I was a bit rushed,' ” Mr. Kewney wrote on his blog.

[Source: Associated Press, May 15, 2006]

( As we discovered in Canada long ago, any idiot with a French accent sounds like an expert
- MTMT)

Watch the video

posted by Mentok @ 9:03 p.m., ,

Friday, May 12, 2006

Bush Reveals Phone Data Secrets

Washington (FN) - Under pressure from Congressional leaders, President Bush today released some of the key findings of the controversial phone database compiled by the National Security Agency (NSA).

"We learned a great deal that will help us with the war on terror. For example, we learned that Verizon Wireless offers the most friends and family minutes in the country. Now, since we know that most terrorists have friends, family or both, it is just a matter of time until we find a Verizon customer who is a friend or family member of a terrorist," said Bush.

Bush also claimed the program had revealed a criminal underground using the U.S. phone system.

"Most Americans are law-abiding, freedom-loving people. A few of them are terrorists or terrorist sympathizers. When someone makes a collect call using a fake name, that reduces the profits at the phone company and that makes executives at those companies scared, which is the same as terror, so that's terrorism. Think about that next time the operator asks you 'Will you accept a collect call from Bill Is Going To Be In Town On Wednesday at Three O'Clock'."

The President also asserted that the program would benefit the public by helping them save money.

"I have instructed the NSA to send a statement to every American telling them how they can save money on their phone bills. For example, I don't want to infringe on anyone's privacy, but J. Jackson, Senator Edward K., Mr. Colbert, you could all be saving a lot of money if you waited a few minutes to make your calls during your free evenings and weekends plan," said Bush.

- 30 -

posted by Mentok @ 9:45 a.m., ,

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Brutal Clashes Break Out In Former Soviet Republic

Caucustan (FN) - Fashion has become the latest weapon in the strained relationship between Russia and the former Soviet republic of Caucustan as Moscow up the ante in its economic war against the fledgling democracy.

As in Ukraine and Georgia, Russia has been trying to reassert its influence over Caucustan by applying a series of economic pressure tactics. In February, Moscow turned off the taps of the republic's natural gas supplies. Last week, the Russians blockaded shipments of modern fashionable clothes to Caucustan.

In order to keep the population of approximately 5 million decently clothed, the Caucustanian government has been forced to draw on its garment reserves, composed mainly of Western fashions from the 1970s.

People in the Caucustanian capitol of Kaputzn lined up for hours to receive rations of yellow banana-pants, leisure suits and plaid blazers.

Reports have streamed in from throughout the country of outfits combining purple and green, the use of paisley in men's fashions and other attrocities.

"The Russians are trying to break our morale by forcing us to wear these ridiculous clothes. I mean, look at me, I look like Steve Martin's 'Wild and Crazy Guy'. How can the world allow this humanitarian disaster to continue?" asked one bystander.

A planned airlift of fashion supplies from Europe has been indefinitely delayed due to disagreements between French and Italian officials over a range of issues, including the overall colour theme and the selection of accessories.

- 30 -

posted by Mentok @ 11:10 p.m., ,

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Keef News Round-up

So, Keith Richards reportedly fell out of a coconut tree in Fiji and suffered a concussion.

There are a million jokes here. Headline writers around the world have snagged most of them already.

But here's my question...

If you are a doctor, how in hell could you diagnose Keith Richards with a concussion?

Here are some guidelines for diagnosis I found on a medical website:

Symptoms of a concussion include headache, dizziness, loss of consciousness, and a lump, cut, bruise or swelling on the head. Other signs are numbness, nausea, vomiting, mental confusion, or memory problems. The patient may feel tired, not see clearly, have incoherent or incomprehensible speech, ringing in the ears and have amnesia for the events just prior to the blow. The symptoms of a concussion may last several minutes to several hours, with more severe, longer-lasting symptoms indicating a more severe brain injury.

Aside from the "lump, cut, bruise or swelling", all of this pretty much seems like SOP for Keith.

That aside, here is a selection of goofy headlines on the subject for your enjoyment:

Keith Richards Falls on His Coconut

KEEF'S OUT OF HIS TREE!

Keith Richards Has a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts

Richards needs hole drilled in head - report

Well, that's enough of that.

-MTMT

posted by Mentok @ 10:44 p.m., ,

Monday, May 01, 2006

Dat Da-da Domm!

No matter whether you love 'im or hate 'im, this picture of Stephen Harper (from the Toronto Star) probably sums up your feelings for him.

This reminds me of those "Thinking About Arby's" ads.

- MTMT