Friday, May 12, 2006
Bush Reveals Phone Data Secrets
Washington (FN) - Under pressure from Congressional leaders, President Bush today released some of the key findings of the controversial phone database compiled by the National Security Agency (NSA).
"We learned a great deal that will help us with the war on terror. For example, we learned that Verizon Wireless offers the most friends and family minutes in the country. Now, since we know that most terrorists have friends, family or both, it is just a matter of time until we find a Verizon customer who is a friend or family member of a terrorist," said Bush.
Bush also claimed the program had revealed a criminal underground using the U.S. phone system.
"Most Americans are law-abiding, freedom-loving people. A few of them are terrorists or terrorist sympathizers. When someone makes a collect call using a fake name, that reduces the profits at the phone company and that makes executives at those companies scared, which is the same as terror, so that's terrorism. Think about that next time the operator asks you 'Will you accept a collect call from Bill Is Going To Be In Town On Wednesday at Three O'Clock'."
The President also asserted that the program would benefit the public by helping them save money.
"I have instructed the NSA to send a statement to every American telling them how they can save money on their phone bills. For example, I don't want to infringe on anyone's privacy, but J. Jackson, Senator Edward K., Mr. Colbert, you could all be saving a lot of money if you waited a few minutes to make your calls during your free evenings and weekends plan," said Bush.
posted by Mentok @ 9:45 a.m.,
5 Comments:
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At 11:52 a.m.,
Library Mama said...
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This plan will also enable them to infiltrate cells of that most loathsome of terrorists - teenagers!
Now, if they would only incorporate MSN in the plan... -
At 12:30 a.m.,
Bathroom Hippo said...
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I shot the New Orleans levees with a pellet gun. That's what caused the breach....not Bush!
Now as for wiretapping.
Let's just say....#1 won't be fiddling around with that sleazy little girl anymore! -
At 3:25 p.m.,
Jay said...
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This feels a little like 6 degrees of separation. Maybe they should just ask Kevin Bacon.
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At 8:18 p.m.,
mkecurler said...
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cannot even begin to talk about this one..I think I'm needin to learn oh canada in french soon too.
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At 5:58 a.m.,
A. B. Chairiet said...
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Bush's war on terrorism reminds me of that old saying: fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
How the hell are our phone records supposed to help?!
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Nice post. Funny.
Happy Tuesday,
~ Ash
