Thursday, May 18, 2006
Canada Census Crib Notes
It's two days past the census deadline and you still haven't filed. Did you know that this is a prosecutable offence? Did you know that the census people will soon start phoning and knocking on your door to harass you? They are the census people, after all - they know where you live.
I know how you feel. You are worried about giving the wrong answers. How many of us have suffered the shame of answering "Yes" when a survey has asked about 'Sex'?
I bought drinks for a buddy who works in the census office and weaseled out of him the best answers to some of the trickier Canada Census questions. Here you go:
How many gallons of maple syrup does your household consume each month?
a) 1 - 100 b) 100-500 c) over 500
Best Answer: b) . Results are forwarded to the Maple Syrup Marketing Association. By placing yourself in the moderate consumption category, you will be eligible to receive a range of discount coupons.
-----------------------------------
List and explain all occasions on which you failed to watch a regular season NHL game.
Best Answer: None. This is a sucker question, like when airport security guards ask you "Are you carrying any guns or illegal drugs?" Everyone knows this is a prosecutable offence in this country. For God's sake, don't answer!
-----------------------------------
What grade of beaver pelt do you use to insulate your home?
a) Utility b) Standard c) Fine d) Extra-virgin
Best Answer: Depends. If you are a hippy environmental type, answer a) since there is almost no profit in Utility grade pelts, so this will discourage the industry and reduce the slaughter of the noble beaver. If you are interested in receiving coupons, answer c) since that will cause the industry to try to upsell and get you hooked on extra-virgin beaver.
-----------------------------------------
Imagine that Tommy Douglas and Pierre Trudeau were wed in a same-sex marriage ceremony on board the Greenpeace flag ship. Would you:
a) Watch the event on TV
b) Try to buy an invitation on Ebay
c) Faint from joy
d) I refuse to answer on the basis of my right not to incriminate myself
Best Answer: This is a tricky one. The question was designed by the previous Liberal government to determine which citizens should be fast-tracked for government services and which should be prosecuted for hate crimes. The current Conservative government will interpret it very differently. However, it is a minority government that could fall at any time, so by the time your survey is processed the Liberals could be back in power. The safest, most relatively non-commital answer is a).
-----------------------------------------
That should take care of all the really hard questions. If there are any others you are stumbling over, feel free to leave a comment or drop me a line and I'll try to help out.
- MTMT
posted by Mentok @ 10:30 a.m.,
5 Comments:
-
At 1:00 p.m.,
Bathroom Hippo said...
-
The question everyone has been wanting to ask you.
Mr. Mentok, are you g.....
holy cow! A fox news alert! -
At 1:17 p.m.,
Mentok said...
-
"Mr. Mentok, are you g..."
God? Yes, Hippo, I am quite godlike. Kneeel before my magnificence.
...And while, you're down there, do my magnificence a favour.
;-)
Now, you see, Hippo, these are the kinds of gags a person can make when he is a confident heterosexual .
People who obsess about the topic or are embarassed by it are clearly not so confident. -
At 1:35 p.m.,
Bathroom Hippo said...
-
You're an embarrassment to zombies everywhere! -
At 10:08 p.m.,
mkecurler said...
-
How hard is it to get Canadian citizenship? Thinking about it before it's too late......
-
At 4:59 p.m.,
Bathroom Hippo said...
-
Muhaha! I have moved up the list.
Soon I shall dominate the Junior Mentok League.
