Monday, July 31, 2006
Pornographer Loses Licence
Los Angeles (FN) - The Academy of Pornographic Arts and Sciences (APAS) announced today that it has suspended the Licence to Pornograph (LTP) from Robin Peters pending a hearing in front of the APAS Discipline Committee.
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| Wang (left) says Peters abused his "position" as a pornographic film-maker |
Chartered as a self-governing professional body in 1949 under the federal Stagehands, Propmasters and Nudie Movies Act, APAS is responsible for maintaining quality, ethical and public safety standards in the adult film industry.
Film-maker Peters is alleged to have committed three breeches of the Act:
- In Hot Wet Housewives Who Like To Have Sex A Lot, there is a scene in which a housewife is unable to pay cash to a plumber and the plumber says "that's OK, I can just send you an invoice."
- In Really, Really Bad Horny Cheerleaders, a group of cheerleaders is caught in the rain while wearing flimsy t-shirts and the football team coach says "You girls better run along home now and get some dry things on."
- In We've Run Out of Suggestive Titles, an attractive woman makes advances to a man who says "Whoa, slow down a bit! Let's get to know each other first."
Wang said he found the allegations shocking.
"The protection of the public is our first duty. If incidents like these are allowed to stand, they will bring shame and disgrace on pornographic film-makers everywhere. Worse still, it will damage the public's confidence in our profession," said Wang.
Industry colleagues say that Mr. Peters had reported feeling frustrated by the limitations of the pornographic medium. He had previous run afoul of fans and regulators with his slow-paced period piece Womb With A View and with other "arty" creations, such as Dirty, Skanky Voluptuous Vixens, a pornographic adaptation of Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility.
posted by Mentok @ 11:53 a.m.,
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Thursday, July 27, 2006
TiVo Markets Reality Entertainment Receivers
San Jose, CA (FN) - Technology pioneers TiVo Inc., developers of the revolutionary personal video recorder technology, today announced the launch of their new reality entertainment suite of products, which the company has dubbed RilVo.
Company spokesman Todd Gesture said the move is a reflection of consumer demand.
"Reality entertainment is the hottest phenomenon in the media this decade. It is not just a TV thing anymore. From internet blogs to radio shock-jocks, the public has developed an insatiable appetite for reality entertainment. Hollywood producers can't keep up with it, but our technology can," said Gesture.
The lead product in TiVo's new line is the RilVo Home Reality Viewer (HRV). Measuring out at a whopping 72 inches, the average HRV is larger than the largest big-screen TVs currently on the market, but is priced competitively at about $10,000 for the hardware along with a $50 per month subscription fee.
"That's a pretty modest price to pay for unlimited, on-demand reality entertainment delivered right to your living room," said Gesture.
Gesture says smaller models will soon be rolled out that can be installed in bedrooms and even bathrooms.
HRVs even have an "green" angle to them. The units are solar powered, although for an additional $5,000 back-up lights are available that allow the HRVs to function at night.
The true show-stopper of TiVo's new line is the MobilRil, a set of cutting-edge mobile reality entertainment viewers, which are set to sell for the eye-popping price of $25,000. Well worth the investment, says Gesture.
"Gameboys, Wi-Fi and cell-phone video are, in the immortal words of Hillary Duff, so yesterday. Our new MobilRil uses photon technology to deliver reality entertainment wherever you go," said Gesture.
posted by Mentok @ 5:13 p.m.,
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Monday, July 24, 2006
Kuntz Raise a Stink
New York (FN) - The Kuntz of the world are sick of having everyone else stick it to them. That's the message from International Society of Kuntz (ISK), a world-wide support group for people with the last name Kuntz, who would like to clear up a few things once and for all.
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| Former Detroit Tigers batter Rusty Kuntz proves that some Kuntz have a good attitude and make positive contributions to society |
Last week, ISK launched a multi-media advertising campaign aimed at delivering a simple message: "For the last time...the 'U' is pronounced 'OOO'."
Kuntz are frequent targets of mockery and discrimination in their professional and social lives, according to ISK executive director Harry Kuntz.
"From the school yard to the board room, Kuntz are treated unfairly their whole lives," he said.
The ISK campaign is long overdue says Marine Corps officer Major Richard Kuntz.
"It was bad enough growing up as a kid with the name Dick Kuntz. I thought people in the army would be a little more mature, but ever since I reached my current rank things have been worse than ever," said Major Kuntz. The major says his wife Chase and children Phil and Iona face similar hardships.
Hyphenated names can lead to compounded problems for many Kuntz. Amanda Caulk-Kuntz, daughter of famous billionaire philanthropist Hugh G. Caulk, faces a double whammy.
"I really wanted to keep the Caulk name to honour my father. After all the success he had and all the good things he did for others, he still faced snickers everywhere he went. Even my mother, Wanda Fuchs, refused to take his name or even hyphenate her name because she was too embarassed," said Caulk-Kuntz.
posted by Mentok @ 3:29 p.m.,
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Friday, July 21, 2006
Beirut Bombed
Beirut (FN) - Residents of the Lebanese capitol staggered today after a further onslaught of low-quality, 90-proof tequila delivered by Israeli missiles.
"Al qidoze phoueqking gieez. Ahm nat gauwna pudup wid diz shiite enniemoore," said one Hezbollah militia captain. It was not immediately clear whether he was speaking English or Lebanese.
The massive of quantities of alcohol were rocketed into Beirut using the Ch-192 "Crazy Charlie" missile, part of a new generation of soft-side, non-lethal weapons in which the Israeli government has invested.
The weapons are seen as having a two-fold advantage. First, they are seen as helping to quell international criticism of Israel's attacks on civilian populations. Second, they are purported to neutralize enemy forces by making them confused, uncoordinated and, eventually, unconscious.
In the first major test of alcoholic weaponry, the tequila missiles appear to have backfired against the Israelis.
"The Lebanese are all running around chaotically in the streets, shouting incoherently at the top of their lungs and firing off weapons for no apparent reason. In other words, it's just another Friday night in Beirut except that it's much, much worse than we've ever seen before," said Israeli Colonel Admon Shulman.
posted by Mentok @ 11:09 a.m.,
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Monday, July 17, 2006
Surprise Win for Dwarf in New York City Lord of the Rings Marathon
posted by Mentok @ 7:21 p.m.,
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Sunday, July 16, 2006
And Now A Word From Our Sponsor...
Just a quick promotional note: some friends and I have started a league for the Hollywood Stock Exchange game (www.hsx.com). Basically, it works exactly like a stock exchange (so you get a chance to learn a lot about investing along the way) except that you are investing fantasy dollars speculating on the success or failure of movies and movie stars.
It's tons of fun, so check it out. If you are interested in joining our league, new entrants are always welcome. Ours is a gambling league, so there's a $50 entry fee with the jackpot paid out to the player with the most money at Academy Awards time in February 2007. The league has only been running for about a month, so there's plenty of time for new entrants to catch up and surpass the existing players. We also welcome 'observer players', so if you want to try the game out for a bit before deciding to plunk down your 50 clams, that's another option open to you.
If the league interests you at all or if you would like more information, please post a note at the league headquarters at movieleague.blogspot.com
We now return to your regularly scheduled programming...
posted by Mentok @ 11:26 a.m.,
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Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Leadership Hopefuls Lack Petrocan Glasses
Ottawa (FN) - The Liberal leadership race broke out into in-fighting again today as candidates accused each other of "unCanadian" attitudes over Petro-Canada drinking glasses.
Embattled candidate Joe Volpe, still reeling from the child-donation scandal, came out swinging by accusing many of his fellow candidates of failing to own the glasses, which were issued by the national gas-station chain to commemorate the 1988 Calgary Winter Olympics.
"Go to any garage sale in this country and take a good look. Petro-Can glasses are right up there with medicare, hockey and holier-than-thou attitudes. If you don't have one, you're not really Canadian," declared Volpe.
Front-runner candidate Michael Ignatieff, who lived most of the past 25 years in the United States, responded that he only requires glasses for reading and that he was not aware that the gas station franchise sold eye-wear.
In total, six of the 11 Liberal leadership candidates, including Ignatieff, Bob Rae, Carolyn Bennett, Stephane Dion, Hedy Fry and Maurizio Bevilacqua admitted in a leadership survey they did not own any Petro-Canada glasses.
Scott Brison, who had previously sat as a Progressive Conservative before bolting to the Liberals in 2003, admitted to owning a set of four Petro-Can brandy snifters, which he said were a Christmas present from former PC leader Joe Clark.
Rae, the former premier of Ontario, fired back at Volpe by claiming that it is owning the ubiquituous give-aways that marks a person as un-Canadian.
"I would ask Mr. Volpe, which Olympics was it for which these glasses were issued? The Calgary Olympics. That's right - Calgary, where Stephen Harper is from. I bet if you went inside 24 Sussex today, you would see wall-to-wall Petro-Can crystal - snifters, highballs, juice glasses, champagne flutes, beer glasses. If Mr. Harper owns these objects, how can Mr. Volpe claim that they are part of our Canadian values?" said Rae.
Rae stated that Petro-Can glasses were an ugly part of Canadian history that belongs in the past.
"I admit these glasses were once popular, but as even Mr. Volpe has admitted, everyone is desperately trying to get rid of them at garage sales. These are things, like heterosexual marriage, organized religion, parental child-rearing, personal responsibility and low taxes that, I believe, Canadians are eager to put behind them," said Rae.
posted by Mentok @ 3:21 p.m.,
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Monday, July 10, 2006
Mayor "Totally Fed Up" With Town's Lack of Mardi Gras Spirit
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Grannies Gone Wild" Event Flops In More Ways Than One
Brock, AZ (FN) - John Hudson, mayor of Brock, Arizona, declared today that he is "washing his hands" of the community's tourism development program after coping with many years of "sucky attitudes" from the townsfolk at large.
The sleepy retirement community of approximately 5,000 has for the past five years attempted to position itself within the growing college tourism industry. Largely at Hudson's urging, the town created an event called "Parti Gras" held during the first week of July.
"No matter whether you approve or disapprove, half-naked, drunken, sophomoric tourism events are a big growth industry. Now, with New Orleans out of the picture, we figured we had a real shot at becoming the next big destination," says Hudson.
Hudson convinced the town to spend ever-increasing amounts on campus advertising and subsidized tour packages. Despite these efforts, few college students appeared to be interested in holidaying in a community where the average age is 67.
According to Hudson, the program's fortunes rested entirely with creating a positive party atmosphere. During recent Parti Gras celebrations, the mayor was scene cruising the streets with a handful of bead-strings and a megaphone, shouting "S-U-Y-T" to local women. Residents were distinctly unenthusiastic about the mayor's antics.
"He's been doing that for years, but I didn't know what it meant. Then someone told me what the 'T' stood for. Well, I never! Someone should take that young man out and wash his mouth out with soap," declared Delores Adams, 77.
The mayor's boosterism likewise met with a muted response from the few college students who showed up.
"The worst part wasn't the people who weren't responding but the ones who were. I saw this chick my grandma's age whip her top off to get some beads. Man, it was pretty gross. What is it about chicks and beads, eh?" said Gary, a Kansas junior who asked to remain anonymous.
posted by Mentok @ 12:02 p.m.,
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Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Shuttle Launch Scrubbed Due to Hangover
Kennedy Space Center (FN) - The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) today announced that it was delaying the launch of the Space Shuttle Endeavour after several mission staff reported hang-overs of "unheard of proportions".
"I am just in no effin' mood to do this right now. I mean, the rockets, the explosions...no way. I'm going pass on that today," said NASA Administrator Michael Griffin.
Over a dozen senior mission staff members reported symptoms of nausea, irritability and headaches which one engineer described as being "a 10.9 on the Wretched Scale."
The launch delay dashes ambitious plans by NASA to hold back-to-back launches and have two shuttles in orbit at the same time. The costly double-mission plan was conceived in part as a way to celebrate Independence Day and in part as a response to a dare by a group of Russian scientists.
The hang-over incident - or "HR biomedical malfunction" in NASA's official lingo - appears to have been caused due to the influence of Russian observers sent to oversee the completion of the dare.
After the successful launch of the Space Shuttle Discovery on Tuesday, the Russian team utilized a tactic similar to the one used in the 1973 film "The Cheerleaders". The Russian scientists insisted on hosting a post-launch part for the Discovery staff. Using flattery, manipulation and the charms of several attractive women with sexy Russian accents, the visiting scientists succeeded in getting the NASA team "stinking drunk" the night before the Endeavour launch.
"You gotta hand it to those Russians. They sure know their 1970s sex-comedy strategy. And, man, can those guys drink. I've never seen anything like it and, the way I feel today, I hope never to endure such an event again," said Griffin.
Having failed to complete the Russian dare, all NASA staff will be required to wear T-shirts saying "Vladimir Putin is soooo good looking" for the remainder of the summer.
posted by Mentok @ 10:16 a.m.,
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Monday, July 03, 2006
Most Surveys False, Says Survey
Vancouver (FN) - The next time you read a survey in the newspaper, you might want to take it with a grain of salt, or maybe even two. A recent study casts doubt on the accuracy of studies and surveys.
The poll shows that 35 per cent of people always lie to surveys and 30 per cent say they sometimes lie to surveys. A further 28 per cent maintain they "usually or always" tell the truth to surveys. The remaining seven per cent offered no opinion or refused to answer.
Responses became even more lopsided when people were questioned on their perception of other people's behaviour on surveys. 79 per cent of respondents said they believed that other people consistently lied on surveys. Only 10 per cent felt that other people told the truth, while others offered no answer.
"The scientific accuracy of polls is typically exaggerated by the media. Survey researchers call any error other than sampling error 'non-sampling errors.' Measurement error is any problem with getting the 'true answer' from a respondent," says Gary Mauser, a professor at Simon Fraser University.
These types of discrepancies became clear on other questions asked in the survey. The question "How's about you buy me a drink?" was answered in the negative 90 per cent of the time. The question "Haven't I met you somewhere before?" directed exclusively to female survey participants likewise was almost universally rejected. In both cases, the previous answers on polling accuracy throw these answers in doubt.
The poll was conducted between 9 p.m. and 2 a.m. on June 30, 2006. The survey sample was comprised of 10 people in a bar. The poll is considered accurate within a margin of error of plus or minus 100 points, 19 times out of 20.
posted by Mentok @ 8:58 a.m.,
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