Monday, November 19, 2007
Ultra Vires
Yet another of my pet peeves is the "ultra" brand in advertising. You know what I mean: those products (typically cleansers) that come in containers half the size and twice the price of their conventional counterparts. Because they are supposedly more "concentrated", you are supposed to use less and save money.
Of course, the whole "ultra" fad has more or less been one big scam, since people often don't consciously measure things like dish detergent, so they end up using the same amount for twice the price.
Never has this been more clear than with Charmin's new Ultra brand of toilet paper. Most of the product's advertising focuses on it's softness (and, according to Poop Report, it lives up to its claims.) However, some of its ads also make the tired old "ultra" claim that you "use less".
Now, I'm sorry, but if there is one procedure where I'm definitely not engaged in any sort of rational consumer value calculation, it's ass-wiping. Maybe it's just me, but that's one action I just want to get over with as quickly and efficiently as possible.
Actually, in my house, I'm rather notorious for excessive, pipe-clogging toilet paper use and I doubt very much that Charmin Ultra's "concentrated" nature would inhibit that. My reasons for heavy toilet paper use are two-fold (or two-ply, perhaps, ha!) First, I just really don't want to get my hand anywhere near there. Second, I'm really paranoid about doing an effective job.
My paranoia in this area, I think, stems from being a movie buff. You know how it is when you're in your theatre seat and someone from further on in the row gets up and squeezes past you to leave, waiving his ass in your face as he goes. I find it very hard to concentrate on the movie after that with the stench of someone else's crap in my nose.
So I'm very mindful of not inflicting this on anyone else. "Doo-doo unto others as you would have them doo-doo unto you", I say. I won't go into all the details, because that would just be too gross, but suffice it to say that I'm not above spraying a shot of Axe down the back of the trousers just to be on the safe side. I'd probably even think about installing a bidet but, I don't know, those things just seem a little too creepy to me.
Now how about you, dear readers? Any excessive, obsessive-compulsive personal hygiene habits? Given how low I've set the bar, you should feel free to talk about anything.
posted by Mentok @ 9:45 a.m.,
6 Comments:
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At 1:48 p.m.,
FiL said...
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Too much information. WAAAAAAY too much information. ULTRA too much information...
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At 1:51 p.m.,
FiL said...
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At 2:02 p.m.,
Mentok said...
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fil - too much? Well, one has to push boundaries with comedy, right? It was either this or taser gags, which I'm sure you would have liked less ;-)
Wow, crazy coincidence about Mr. Whipple. All that extra softness proved too much for him, eh?
(...either that or he got the crap tasered out of him. Oh, dammit, I thought I was going to be able to resist.) -
At 2:12 p.m.,
FiL said...
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Well, I've been making a few in-house taser jokes, much to my Dearest Wife's disgust. But nothing that I'd care to air or share in public - too personal :) That whole incident is appalling.
Yes, poor Mister W. Shows you the danger of being TOO soft... -
At 4:19 p.m.,
Mentok said...
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"...nothing that I'd care to air or share in public - too personal :)"
Too late, brotha, I've already read your mind. Yes, those jokes are quite disgusting but very funny. Your secret's safe with me ;-) -
At 11:00 p.m.,
cchang said...
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I laughed so hard reading this...and I had no idea that poop report dot com even existed. That's a new one to book mark.
I wonder if Mr. Whipple's life was cut short from too many ass waving incidents.
As for hygiene hangups, I think I'm OCD when it comes to checking for boogies in my nose. You see, my schnoz is rather small and turns up a little...in other words, my nose is dangerously close to looking like pig's snout. Hence, I don't have the luxury of nostril that are hidden from view when facing forward. So, there you go...
