Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Cooties Hit Record Low In New Orleans
New Orleans (FN) - The beleaguered citizens of the storm-battered city of New Orleans got a piece of good news today as researchers from the World Health Organization announced that levels of toxic cooties had hit the lowest level ever recorded in the city.
 |
| Low NOLA cootie levels have forced many revellers to "earn their own beads". |
Cooties, the vaguely unhealthy substance allegedly emitted by amorous human females, has been a controversial subject in health circles for many years. Feminist researchers contend that the substance either does not exist or does no harm to human males. Male researchers accept the existence of the substance almost as a matter of faith and regard it as a key disease indicator.
Readings taken in New Orleans during the normally cootie-heavy month of July show the city with a cootie level of 300 parts per million (ppm). This compares to the national average of 500 ppm. Historically, New Orleans has been known to reach cootie levels exceeding 6,000 ppm.
Researchers attribute the dramatic decline to the relative absence of drunken college coeds over the past year.
| Did You Know? Although suspected for millenia, the existence of cooties was confirmed by famed French medical scientist Louis Pasteur in 1863. The word cooties comes from Pasteur's term "les couteaux" to describe the knife-like sensation he felt when his sister tried to kiss him. |
Surprisingly, NOLA Mayor Ray Nagin had mixed feelings about the announcement.
"I guess that's good news, I don't know. Personally, I don't mind the cooties so much. I remember when I was nine or 10, cooties gave me the heebie jeebies and scared the bejeezus out of me. But now, hey, I kinda like the cooties. Sometimes I'll be walking down the street and I'll say to myself 'I gotta get myself some nice cootie'."
Nagin predicted the announcement would further impact the city's struggling tourism industry.
"Way I see it, people come to NOLA looking for cooties. If they can't catch cooties here, they may just decide to skip the jazz music and go somewhere else."
- 30 -
posted by Mentok @ 5:09 p.m.,
1 Comments:
-
At 4:57 p.m.,
Bathroom Hippo said...
-
Yeah..that is so Ray Nagin.
