Thursday, June 29, 2006
England Hobbled By Lard Crisis
London (FN) - Grocers across England warded off hordes of panic-buying shoppers as the country entered the second week of a severe lard shortage.
Scottish nationalists used the distraction of the World Cup to quietly buy up and then shut down over 70 per cent of the island nation's pork fat-rendering facilities that produce what many English regard as "nature's most perfect food."
Without ample lard supplies, Britons are finding themselves unable to prepare such traditional staple dishes as toad-in-a-hole, clapshot, bubble-and-squeak and other delicacies.
"I can't even make me boys a decent batch of faggots," complained one harried housewife.
The current crisis represents the second time in less than two years that Britain has faced a lard shortage, prompting critics to question the Blair government's commitment to national security.
The lard hijacking was carried out by a homegrown terror cell of Scottish nationalists who released an audiotape to a local radio station.
"Theez ur uir deemonds. A body, wee wan' aw scosh prisnas' ta goo frae. Tois, wee'll hae a troch 'o roch, un a puck 'o richy peg..."
The recording carries on for a further fifteen minutes. Authorities have not determined whether the sounds are supposed to be some sort of language or whether a large magnet was held too close to the tape.
Prime Minister Tony Blair implored the terrorists to negotiate.
"Please, please tell us what we must do to get our lard back. We will do anything. Just tell us what you want. If you have someone, anyone in your organization who speaks English or any other modern or ancient language, please have them come forward to tell us your demands," Blair said.
Officials at Scotland Yard believe they may have a lead to tracking down the terrorists. The staff at the radio station that received the mysterious audiotape have reported that the envelope in which the tape was delivered included a return address along with a note asking that the tape be returned to its owners "as soon as you are done with it."
posted by Mentok @ 12:54 p.m.,
10 Comments:
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At 5:03 p.m.,
FiL said...
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Indeed, it is a crisis. I am getting anecdotal e-mail reports from my English friends that the army is deploying around supermarkets to prevent looting.
The BBC also carried a report that the Polish government is offering to airdrop mercy supplies of humanitarian lard. Their entire airlift capacity (see here)has been put on alert for immediate action.
There are also gruesome reports coming from Heartattack-upon-Vein of a growing black market in "moggy lard," which seems to be linked to a rapid and mysterious decline in that town's feline population.
Grim stuff indeed...
FiL -
At 9:37 p.m.,
mkecurler said...
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Someone should get into the lard bootlegging business! There is tons to be had in the Midwest! hahahahahahah!
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At 10:20 p.m.,
Mentok said...
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I would like to ask everyone to follow the link on the word "faggots". It goes to a real news story from the BBC. From start to finish, it's hilarious to read.
...But the big thing I'd like everyone to notice is the expression on the teenage son's face. He's definitely not finding this a cool gig! ;-) -
At 10:24 p.m.,
jamwall said...
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fucking genious!
but incredibly uncommitted towards english cuisine (if there is such a thing). -
At 12:27 a.m.,
Library Mama said...
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How 'bout a little bubble and squeak tomorrow night, Menty?
Or maybe some pasties? Or toad-in-a-hole? Or bangers?
Think about it and get back to me. ;-) -
At 1:09 a.m.,
FiL said...
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My favourite is "pea wet," the watery effluvia from mushy peas that Northerners like to put on their chips...
FiL -
At 9:41 a.m.,
Mentok said...
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"Pea wet"?! Dear god, just when I thought I had heard it all from the wacky world of British cuisine.
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At 6:40 a.m.,
A. B. Chairiet said...
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"Theez ur uir deemonds. A body, wee wan' aw scosh prisnas' ta goo frae. Tois, wee'll hae a troch 'o roch, un a puck 'o richy peg..."
What in the hell does this say, Mentok??
I'm laughing, but at a total loss...
...Feel like I'm missing something. But then again, if I weren't so lazy, I'd follow the f-word link, and then maybe I'd get it.
Maybe.
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Happy Canada Day, you Canadian! :)
I like the new avatar, by the way.
I don't like all the yucky words you've been tossing out here lately, but who cares what I like, anyways? ;)
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Oh, Canada.
~ Ash -
At 10:22 a.m.,
mkecurler said...
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happy canada day to my favorite canadian!
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At 11:51 a.m.,
Mentok said...
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The Scottish phrase says:
"These our are demands. First, we want all Scottish prisoners to go free. Second, we would like a pint of export ale and a packet of smokey bacon crisps please..."
I have no idea what that second demand means. It was just Scottish expression I picked off a website somewhere.
Anyway, you're not missing anything, Ash. The whole point (with apologies to Colin) is that Scottish is unintelligible to most people.
