Tuesday, October 25, 2005
The Monkey Principle
Over at The Night's blog, I had the opportunity to wax eloquent about my Monkey Principle. Many regular readers have expressed curiosity and confusion about my occasional references to monkeys. So here, once and for all, for your edification is:
Mentok's Monkey Principle
Humans are a species of Great Ape.
Great Apes are all (with one exception) very mean, evil little creatures. They engage in tribal wars for no apparent reason. They assassinate political leaders. They rape their women. They commit horrible atrocities of infanticide (e.g. smashing in the heads of the babies of a rival political leader). When they get in a minor disagreement, their first reaction is to fling feces at each other.
Whether by evolutionary fluke or allegedly "intelligent" design, one species of Great Apes suffered a horrible tragedy. They developed super-evolved intellects in a ridiculously short period of time. Their culture couldn't keep up. To make matters worse, they learned to use nuclear weapons.
That's right. A group of mean-spirited, ass-scratching apes have learned to use nukes. If you were playing one of those strategy games where you have god-like power over a culture, you'd be cruising for a Game Over about now.
If you need any more info on this topic, read this:
http://www.howardbloom.net/chimpanzees_and_romans.htm
So instead of moaning and complaining and writing things like "WTF is wrong with people?", let's loook at what's right with people. For starters, we don't fling feces nearly as much as we used to. That's gotta count for something.
Plus, we've gone to the moon. Do you see those fancy-assed peace-nik dolphins going to the moon? Don't think so.
Oh, I mentioned above the "one exception" to mean-spirited apes. That's the bonobo apes, who descended from the same genetic line as us and chimps. They don't fight nearly as much as other apes because they have sex all the time. Everything you can think of...different positions, hetero, homo, bi, oral sex, sex toys, you name it. Just Google in "bononbo" and "sex" and see what comes up. Basically, the randy little buggers are too tired and blissed out most of the time to even think about getting into a major argument. Their lives are just one long porn movie.
So I guess that's what woulda happened if we had told Lucifer to shove his apple up his ass in the old biblical fairy tale. Any big Christians out there, what's your take? Would we have been better off if we had stayed in the Garden and lived like the bonobos? Are bonobos God's "do over"?
posted by Mentok @ 1:52 p.m.,
3 Comments:
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At 11:46 p.m.,
A. B. Chairiet said...
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How about a small Christian?
Is that good enough??
As for monkeys: Yeah, yeah...I get it. We're monkeys. We should play nice. Make love, not war, etc.
But as for God's do-over: I think he's still plotting that one.
Now where's my banana??
~ Ash -
At 8:57 a.m.,
Mentok said...
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Must ...resist ....obvious ...gag
Male...programming....too...strong
"I've got your banana for you, right here baby. Nyuk, nyuk."
Actually, the Monkey Principle is not "make love, not war,etc."
It's that you have to have low expectations for human behaviour and learn to rejoice in the sheer goofiness of our species. -
At 11:50 p.m.,
A. B. Chairiet said...
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Ah, you fancy Canadian with your jug o' syrup and tom foolery! I can't believe I fell victim to a "boyishy person" joke.
Or was it a monkey joke??
One in the same, according to you, so forget I even asked.
But as for having low expectations for human behavior: Check.
Learn to rejoice in sheer goofiness: Check.
NOW can I have a banana??
Pass me that syrup too...
~ Ash
