Monday, October 03, 2005
Jesus Vs. Buddha: Who Would Win?
As we stand on the threshold of the 21st Century, many of mankind's oldest questions about supreme beings have been answered.
For example, scholars have long since determined that if Superman and The Hulk got in a fight, Superman would easily win. Superman's powers of flight and superspeed alone would make short work of the dim-witted behemoth. Even in the unlikely event that The Hulk caught Superman in close quarters, a blast of Kryptonian heat-vision to the eyes would leave the gamma-ray giant as sightless as Ulysses' Cyclops.
Relatively little serious scholarship, however, has been invested in determining how mankind's two greatest saviours, Jesus "The Christ" Ben-David and Siddharta "The Buddha" Gautama would fare in straight combat.
"It's saviourin' time!" "Allow me to enlighten you, sucker!"
Both are known to have limited levitation powers which would cancel each other out in evasive manoevers. Both are said to have great healing powers, which would give each of them a defensive advantage similar to Marvel Comics' Wolverine. However, neither super-being has been able to transform this into an offensive advantage, such as by having retractible steel claws inserted under their skin.
The pair's secondary abilities offer no better clue to their relative tactical advantages. Jesus is said to have a matter-morphing power (e.g. water into wine), which hypothetically could be used to turn Buddha's robes into stone, thereby immobilizing him. Buddha, on the other hand, is noted to have the ability to control and super-enhance wildlife, such as conjuring gigantic cobras with four-foot wide heads. It has been written that Jesus has some ability to control "charmed" wildlife (e.g. forcing demonically possessed pigs to leap over a cliff) but it is unknown whether this ability would extend to animals controlled by positive magical forces.
An examination of the potential "posse" of each saviour is likewise inconclusive. Jesus has the ability to raise people from the dead, giving him the potential to assemble a vast zombie army. Buddha in some texts is said to have subjugated the entire Hindu pantheon of gods, but this process of subjugation rendered them incapable of interfering in human affairs. How they would make out against zombies is unknown.
Even a look at their non-superpowered combat abilities raises more questions than answers. Jesus comes from a blue-collar background in the construction trades and is presumed to have stayed in relatively good shape. There is no evidence of him having trained in hand-to-hand combat, other than one prolonged wresting match with the devil. Buddha, conversely, was a child of privilege who, like most ancient Indian princes, would presumably have been trained in wresting, Indian marital arts, swordsmanship and archery. However, his many years of self-deprivation may have left him out of shape and out of practice.
Fight fans may simply have to hope that the Second Coming of Christ and the Buddha of the Future arrive at the same time so that this mystery can, at last, be resolved.
Thoughts?
posted by Mentok @ 8:36 p.m.,
4 Comments:
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At 10:33 p.m.,
X said...
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Where is Batman among all these super heros??????
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At 10:49 p.m.,
Mentok said...
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Technically speaking, Batman is not a super-hero as he has no super-human abilities. He is more accurately described as a costumed crime-fighter.
He would have to do battle with the second or third rung of religious figures e.g. a saint or famous monk.In fact, one of the Dark Knight's earliest villains (1930's era) was called The Monk. -
At 4:15 a.m.,
A. B. Chairiet said...
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Well...Where does this fight take place??
If set on water, then Jesus would clean house.
Walking on water, anyone?
Home field advantage, indeed. :)
~ Ash
P.S. I freakin' love Harvey Birdman...
...Especially Birdgirl.
Mmmm...Birdgirl. ;) -
At 11:49 a.m.,
Urban Shaman said...
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Damn crappy religion class. I din't know Buddha was magically inclined.
I have to add that Jesus didn't take crap from the weather. Possibly he could add weather manipulation to his arsenal. Also he can come back from the dead so even if Buddha laid the smack down a bit too hard Jesus'd come back If only three days later.
