Thursday, October 20, 2005
Big Bird Quarantined Due To Avian Flu Concern
Embattled children's programmer Children's Television Workshop (CTW) yesterday lost another of its star performers after the New York Department of Health ordered Simon Bigbird into mandatory precautionary quarantine.
"He has the potential to become a veritable Typhoid Mary of avian influenza. He is, after all, a gigantic anthropomorphic bird who lives in unsanitary conditions in a back alley and who regularly interacts with humans. Of greatest concern is his regular contact with children, the elderly, handicapped persons and others with vulnerable immune systems. It's a disaster waiting to happen," said department spokesperson Debra Fitzsimmons.
The CTW remained officially tight-lipped about the quarantine order, although sources suggested the company is considering a legal challenge on the basis that Bigbird is actually a psychologically-deranged human and not an actual bird.
"It's really one of those 'damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't' situations. Either he's a giant disease-carrying bird or he's a crazy guy who thinks he's a bird. Either way, it's pretty hard to spin why we've been letting him loose around children," said a company source who asked to remain anonymous.
The loss of Bigbird to the Sesame Street cast represents a further blow to CTW, which is still recovering from the loss of trainer Ernie Dershowitz and several of their 'Li'l Monsters' bonobo performers in a grisly mauling incident earlier this month.
Bigbird has had numerous run-ins with authorities over the course of his career. In past years, several of his Sesame Street colleagues have asked the courts to require him to seek psychiatric evaluation due his frequent hallucinatory ramblings about seeing woolly mammoths. In 1982, the NYPD briefly declared him a "person of interest" in the unexplained death of local shopkeeper Harold Hooper.
posted by Mentok @ 7:01 p.m.,
1 Comments:
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At 12:04 a.m.,
A. B. Chairiet said...
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Harold Hooper...
...Jesus Christ.
I'm starting to wonder if you, Mentok, are not the one who is causing all the problems over at Sesame Street!
You pulled a mind-switch on Ernie, didn't you?!
DIDN'T YOU!!
And why not name the "wooly mammoth"?
I would love to know what his full name is...
...Jo Snuffalupigus, perhaps?
Hhmmm...
...Maybe he's Jewish.
~ Ash
