Thursday, August 31, 2006
I suppose writing about comedy isn't really funny but indulge me as I bemoan a missed opportunity. Long ago, I had composed a post called "Dhalla to Run for Liberals" about everybody's favourite Canadian hottie politician (Belinda Stronach, let's face it, was always a bit of a Paris Hilton-esque skank).
The joke of the fake news piece was that Dhalla wasn't running for the Liberal leadership but was running in a skin-tight jogging outfit to raise money for the beleagured party.
I never got around to finishing the piece or posting it, and real-life has gone and caught up with it. So, in lieu of comedy, allow me to make two observations:
1) I wish I was Ruby Dhalla's microphone
2) $151 bucks for a date with Ruby? What a steal! Does it come with a chiropractic adjustment, if you know what I mean? (Dhalla is actually a chiropractor).
Liberals auction off date with MP
What's a date with a Liberal MP worth?
An online auction currently under way to raise funds for frontrunning leadership hopeful Michael Ignatieff provides some clues.
Lunch with rising backbench star Ruby Dhalla, Brampton MP and onetime beauty queen and movie actress, is one of the hottest items up for grabs, with the high bid ringing in at $151 late Tuesday.
- 30 -
posted by Mentok @ 9:48 AM, ,
Monday, August 28, 2006
Prague, Czech Republic (FN) - Scientists at the International Astronomical Union (IAU) today made efforts to smooth ruffled feathers after last week's controversial conference, which not only saw Xena and Charon rejected for planetary status but even saw Pluto demoted to the status of a mere dwarf planet.
Last Thursday, delegates began the healing process by declaring Pluto "the forerunner of the era of trans-Neptunian bodies". Today they went further by extending a range of other consolation prizes to the solar system's also-rans.
Pluto has been declared "Most Congenial" of the minor bodies.
"Some people think of Pluto as cold and distant, but that's not the planetoid we astronomers know. It shares its orbit with Neptune, and that's pretty friendly if you ask me," said IAU spokesman Terry Bintswell.
Xena has been named "Most Photogenic Planetoid".
"She may look icy on the outside, but Xena is red hot on the inside and that really comes through when she's in front of the camera," said Bintswell.
Charon received the nod for "Most Improved Planetoid".
"Last year, Charon was considered just a moon of Pluto. This year, it was in the running for consideration as a planet and is now considered a dwarf planet. That's a big accomplishment in one year and, in my opinion, it couldn't have happened to a nicer planetoid," said Bintswell.
Qzlkjs MnPort, President of Pluto, demonstrated his planet’s congeniality in accepting the pity prize on behalf of the people of Pluto.
"Hey, no harm no foul about the planet business. As long as you don't stick us with a name like the one you gave Uranus, we're happy," said MnPort.
posted by Mentok @ 9:21 AM, ,
Friday, August 25, 2006
If you haven't done so already, I would urge everyone to zip over to Sabatkes place and wish her a big old Happy Birthday.
She's a loyal Mentok reader, a first-rate blogger and, if this article is any indication, very accomplished in real life too.
Best wishes, preppy curler!
posted by Mentok @ 1:02 PM, ,
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
New Orleans (FN) - The beleaguered citizens of the storm-battered city of New Orleans got a piece of good news today as researchers from the World Health Organization announced that levels of toxic cooties had hit the lowest level ever recorded in the city.
|Low NOLA cootie levels have forced many revellers to "earn their own beads".|
Cooties, the vaguely unhealthy substance allegedly emitted by amorous human females, has been a controversial subject in health circles for many years. Feminist researchers contend that the substance either does not exist or does no harm to human males. Male researchers accept the existence of the substance almost as a matter of faith and regard it as a key disease indicator.
Readings taken in New Orleans during the normally cootie-heavy month of July show the city with a cootie level of 300 parts per million (ppm). This compares to the national average of 500 ppm. Historically, New Orleans has been known to reach cootie levels exceeding 6,000 ppm.
Researchers attribute the dramatic decline to the relative absence of drunken college coeds over the past year.
|Did You Know?|
Although suspected for millenia, the existence of cooties was confirmed by famed French medical scientist Louis Pasteur in 1863.
The word cooties comes from Pasteur's term "les couteaux" to describe the knife-like sensation he felt when his sister tried to kiss him.
Surprisingly, NOLA Mayor Ray Nagin had mixed feelings about the announcement.
"I guess that's good news, I don't know. Personally, I don't mind the cooties so much. I remember when I was nine or 10, cooties gave me the heebie jeebies and scared the bejeezus out of me. But now, hey, I kinda like the cooties. Sometimes I'll be walking down the street and I'll say to myself 'I gotta get myself some nice cootie'."
Nagin predicted the announcement would further impact the city's struggling tourism industry.
"Way I see it, people come to NOLA looking for cooties. If they can't catch cooties here, they may just decide to skip the jazz music and go somewhere else."
posted by Mentok @ 5:09 PM, ,
Monday, August 21, 2006
Hollywood (FN) - NBC today unveiled a fresh round of spin-offs from its long-running 'Law and Order' franchise.
"We wanted to push the boundaries of what the 'Law and Order' concept could do. Our crime dramas have done very well for us, but this season we felt it was important to break new ground," said executive producer Dick Wolf.
The new spin-offs include:
Law and Order: Australian Outback - the franchises' first foray into reality television will see opposing tribes of police and prosecutors striving to outwit, out-last and out-investigate each other, Down-Under style.
Law and Order: House Divided - following the success of Law and Order: Criminal Intent, Wolf and company have decided to make a second Law and Order comedy series. She's a tough, no-nonsense assistant district attorney with three kids and a cat. He's a New York City police officer with two teenagers and a dog. When they decide to share a house together, hi-jinks ensue. You'll be 'felon' on the floor laughin'!
Law and Order: SUV - Gary Short is a New York assistant district attorney who is shot and seriously wounded by a man he sent to jail. Short is nursed back to health by a mysterious benefactor who gives Short the new name Gary Knight and equips him with Sentient Urban Vehicle (SUV), the ultimate car made with indestructible alloy and equipped with artificial intelligence. Together, Knight and SUV carry on the fight against crime.
Lawn Order: Special Garden Unit - Wolf's first entry into the home renovation genre will feature Law and Order favourites Sam Waterston and Chris Noth helping real-life home-owners get their gardens into shape. In the first half of each episode, Noth will investigate the garden and list everything that's wrong with it. In the second half, Waterston will use guilt tactics, convoluted logic and self-righteous rhetoric to shame home-owners into fixing the problems.
posted by Mentok @ 5:13 PM, ,
It's not a news update. It's Omar Abdul Kareem's relentlessly beeping cell phone - and one of the 20 or so humorous text messages he gets every day from his friends.
In a city bereft of entertainment, text messaging and swapping ringtones are all the rage for young Iraqis trying to lighten their lives. Most restaurants, cafes and movies have closed due to the country's security situation...
Cell phone shops, the only crowded stores these days, sell special CDs with ringtones at about $2 apiece. Collections of short jokes especially written for texters are best-sellers...
"It's not like there's much to do around here," Abdul Kareem said. "It's perhaps the only venue to express ourselves."
The suave 22-year-old security guard carries a cutting-edge Nokia 3250 with a camera and twisting base. He used to buy $60 worth of prepaid phone cards a month to text with his girlfriend - until they broke up.
After sending her a lot of "I miss you" texts, he's moved on. Now he sends his aunt dozens of jokes, most of them at the expense of ethnic Kurds.
The daily reality of violence and explosions has influenced every aspect of Iraqi life - including love notes. "I send you the tanks of my love, bullets of my admiration and a rocket of my yearning," one popular message reads.
A popular ringtone features the music from Coolio's "Gangsta's
The song concludes with: "My days are over and I'm gonna die/all I need is chili fries"...
- 30 -
Yes, I'm back from vacation but easing into things with this real but whacky story.
The line about jokes "at the expense of ethnic Kurds" caught my interest, so I googled a couple up for your enjoyment:
- Their is a Kurd on an Iraqi Airways Jet. Suddenly, there is commotion and the Kurd is told that the plane is going to explode, the Kurd replies: "I could'nt care less the jet belongs to the government."
- The curfew in Baghdad starts at 11 pm. A Kurd who had joined the new Iraqi National guard was manning a check point. Around 10:30, this guardsman sees a man walking in a hurry. He aims and shoots the guy. The guy drops dead. The officer in charge of the guardsman came running. “What have you done? It’s only half past ten, you fool”. The guard replies in a cool tone, “There is no problem, sir. I know that man and I know where he lives. He couldn’t possibly make it home before 11”.
Some original material later today.
posted by Mentok @ 11:16 AM, ,
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
I'm on holidays at the lake for the next couple weeks, so postings will be intermittent at best.
If you're looking for laughs in the meantime, this will be a good time to catch up on my archives.
Have a great summer, everybody! See you back here full time on the the 21st.
posted by Mentok @ 2:05 PM, ,
|Iranian President Ahmadinejad claims he's too busy to go to Olmert wedding, but is actually just watching a soccer game on TV.|
Before an audience of international journalists, key militia leaders ruthlessly ticked off "Will NOT be able to attend" on their invitations to Camilia's August 26 nuptials to Eugene Schafstein, a Jerusalem medical student specializing in dermatology.
The sheer cruelty of the attack was amplified by the fact that the Hezbollah reply was sent in a full three days after the RSVP deadline, meaning that the Israeli Prime Minister would be stuck with a catering surcharge ranging in the hundreds of dollars.
Hezbollah's latest offensive found quick support from Iran, who joined the foray by short-sheeting the young couple's gift registry.
"They had registered at Birks for a tea set that cost $200 per place setting. So we bought them one tea cup! Ha! Now, no one else is going to buy them anything from that set because it looks stupid buying 11 teacups. So now they will either have to spend over $2,200 of their own money to buy the rest of the set or they will have to throw out a $200 tea cup. In your face, Olmert!" said Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
The senior Olmert reacted angrily to the news of the snubs.
"First suicide bombers, now this. The very thought of using a wedding gift registry as a weapon of war shows that our opponents lack ordinary human decency and simple good manners," said the Israeli PM.
In a related story, the President of Iran announced that the maverick nation had signed up for its own gift registry at Home Depot. Russia and China have gone together to buy the Iranians a nice patio set, but to date no one has signed up for the 20 kilogram bag of plutonium listed in the 'Home and Garden' section of Iran's registry.
posted by Mentok @ 1:28 PM, ,
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Mel Gives It Another Go
"I said 'the Juice caused all the whores...to scream with pleasure', but they didn't let me finish my sentence. What did you think I said? 'The Jews caused all the wars'? Well that just makes no sense. Why would I say something crazy like that?"
"I'll tell you one thing. No matter what anyone says, I don't think Hitler killed the Juice. As far as I know, O.J. is still alive and Hitler died before he was born. That's something else people say that just makes no sense."
Photographic Evidence Proves Mel Gibson Caused All The Wars
posted by Mentok @ 5:47 PM, ,