Thursday, June 29, 2006

England Hobbled By Lard Crisis

London (FN) - Grocers across England warded off hordes of panic-buying shoppers as the country entered the second week of a severe lard shortage.

Scottish nationalists used the distraction of the World Cup to quietly buy up and then shut down over 70 per cent of the island nation's pork fat-rendering facilities that produce what many English regard as "nature's most perfect food."

Without ample lard supplies, Britons are finding themselves unable to prepare such traditional staple dishes as toad-in-a-hole, clapshot, bubble-and-squeak and other delicacies.

"I can't even make me boys a decent batch of faggots," complained one harried housewife.

The current crisis represents the second time in less than two years that Britain has faced a lard shortage, prompting critics to question the Blair government's commitment to national security.

The lard hijacking was carried out by a homegrown terror cell of Scottish nationalists who released an audiotape to a local radio station.

"Theez ur uir deemonds. A body, wee wan' aw scosh prisnas' ta goo frae. Tois, wee'll hae a troch 'o roch, un a puck 'o richy peg..."

The recording carries on for a further fifteen minutes. Authorities have not determined whether the sounds are supposed to be some sort of language or whether a large magnet was held too close to the tape.

Prime Minister Tony Blair implored the terrorists to negotiate.

"Please, please tell us what we must do to get our lard back. We will do anything. Just tell us what you want. If you have someone, anyone in your organization who speaks English or any other modern or ancient language, please have them come forward to tell us your demands," Blair said.

Officials at Scotland Yard believe they may have a lead to tracking down the terrorists. The staff at the radio station that received the mysterious audiotape have reported that the envelope in which the tape was delivered included a return address along with a note asking that the tape be returned to its owners "as soon as you are done with it."

- 30 -

posted by Mentok @ 12:54 p.m., ,

Monday, June 26, 2006

White House Releases Blooper Reel

Washington D.C. (FN) - President Bush took a cue from sports broadcasting today as the White House released the first in a series of "Iraq War Bloopers" videos.

The videos, hosted by NBC sports commentator Marv Albert, will feature mishaps and comical misunderstandings by American troops in Iraq.

The previews shown to journalists included such hilarious bits as a soldier accidentally shooting a civilian and a man being imprisoned and tortured because he had a somewhat similar name to a known terrorist.

"They thought they had Mohamud, but they really had Muhammed. Yikes!" chimes Albert.

The climax of the video is a gut-splitting routine showing the efforts of U.S. weapons inspectors. The video is sped up and set to a soundtrack of Benny Hill-style music so that the inspectors appear to be frantically running in and out of buildings at super-fast speed searching for the non-existent weapons of mass destruction.

The video is part of White House efforts to regain public support for the Iraq War.

"The difference between an atrocity and a goof-up is just semantics. Some people might think that two baseball outfielders running into each other at high speed is an atrocity. To others, it's just comedy. We are hoping these videos will help show the public that our problems in Iraq fall into the category of life's little mix-ups," said White House press secretary Tony Snow.

- 30 -

posted by Mentok @ 10:53 a.m., ,

Friday, June 23, 2006

Rhode Island man awarded $400,000 for 10-year erection

PROVIDENCE, R.I. (AP) - A former Rhode Island handyman won more than $400,000 in a lawsuit over a penile implant that gave him a 10-year erection.

Charles (Chick) Lennon, 68, received the steel-plastic implant in 1996, about two years before Viagra went on the market. The Dura-II is designed to allow impotent men to position the penis upward for sex, then lower it.

But Lennon could not position his penis downward. He said he could no longer hug people, ride a bike, swim or wear bathing trunks because of the pain and embarrassment. He has become a recluse and is uncomfortable being around his grandchildren, his lawyer said.

"I don't know any man who for any amount of money would want to trade and take my client's life," said Jules D'Allessandro, Lennon's lawyer.

"He's not a whole person."

A lawyer representing both Dura-II manufacturer Dacomed Corp. and the company's insurer declined comment. Dacomed maintained nothing was wrong with the implant. It filed for bankruptcy after the lawsuit was filed.

Lennon cannot have the implant removed because of health problems, including open-heart surgery, his lawyer said. Impotence drugs could not help Lennon even if he were able to have the device taken out, because tissue had be to removed for it to be implanted.

- 30 -

Became a recluse? Dude, take it from me, there's good money in being a stunt double in porn movies.

At least I bet his blue-collar buddies aren't going to be calling him "Chick" anymore.

I'm sure there's a gag in here about the "penal system", but it's too late on Friday for me to think of it. ;-) - MTMT

posted by Mentok @ 5:12 p.m., ,

New Avatar

Sorry to make a big deal out of it, but I changed my avatar for the first time in 9 months.

Hope you all like the new photo-realistic version of Mentok ;-)

posted by Mentok @ 3:28 p.m., ,

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Welcome FiL

Everyone please join me in welcoming FiL to the Solids section of the sidebar. FiL is a gentleman, a (music) scholar and host of Pogoagogo

posted by Mentok @ 11:07 a.m., ,

Folgers - Happy Morning

I don't normally do YouTube posts. If that's your bag, there's nothing wrong with it, but I don't care for it myself.

But this one is just way too funny first thing in the morning...

posted by Mentok @ 9:47 a.m., ,

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Boobs Useful, Scientists Discover

Harvard (FN) - They are not just pretty to look at and nice to hold. The human female breast apparently fulfills a useful, natural function. That's the surprising conclusion reached by an all-male team of researchers at Harvard Medical School.

"We can now state unequivocally that the human female breast produces a milk-like substance that, in theory, can be used to feed infants," said Professor Chad Lackmore, head of the research project.

Lackmore's conclusion comes at the end of a mammoth scientific project that has spanned the entire history of Harvard University. Ever since the college was founded, every freshman on campus has been recruited to monitor female breasts continuously for signs of useful activity.

In recent decades, Harvard has expanded the project to include universities around the world. Over the generations, millions of male students have been involved in the groundbreaking study.

Ironically, Lackmore's findings did not come as a result of new research but rather by reviewing old data.

"We decided to look back over some old tapes of interviews we conducted with female subjects. It turns out they have been telling us the function of their breasts over and over again for decades. Previous researchers just never made note of the women's statements before because, you know, they were too busy staring at their boobs," said Lackmore.

Lackmore expressed some regret that the project is now over.

"On the one hand, we were frustrated that we never seemed to make any progress. On the other hand, we were getting paid to look at tits all day. I'm not sure how I feel now that I know they are actually a food source. It's going to be hard to look at breasts the same way again."

The world-wide network of freshman research assistants will not go to waste. Lackmore says the team will soon be put to work on a new project to examine vaginal health.

- 30 -

posted by Mentok @ 1:55 p.m., ,

Monday, June 19, 2006

Harper to Boost Use of Emoticons

Ottawa (FN) - Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has found a simple solution to his tumultuous relationship with the media: use more smiley faces.

The grim PM has frequently been criticized by the media for abrupt and humourless demeanour as well as his iron-fisted control over all aspects of the government message. To help soften this image, government websites and official PMO emails will employ a range of different smiley-faces and other demonstrative emoticons.

The initiative is part of an effort to allow the media and the public to see "the real Stephen Harper", according to Harper's press secretary Carolyn Stewart-Olsen.

"People are always saying how dour and grim he is, but those of us who know him personally and receive paycheques from him know him to be a warm, tender man with the most tremendous sense of humour in the world," says Stewart-Olsen.

Style sheets on all Government of Canada websites have been adjusted so that all online references to the PM appear as "Prime Minister of Canada Stephen Harper :-D".

Reporters immediately began to notice on their Blackberries that practically every line of text sent from PMO sources ended in a winking-smiley. Samples of text sent to media sources include:

" - Burn in hell, you pinko bastard ;-)
- Consider yourself frozen, you loser ;-)
- It will be a cold day in hell before the PM takes another question from you ;-)
- You'll be writing stories for the Bumpuck Observer by the time we're done with you, you little weasel ;-)"

"We're just playing it safe. If there's a smiley, you can't get mad, right? A smiley means that, in real life, you would be saying it with a smile on your face and a chuckle in your voice, so you can't take it too seriously. I bet those reporters never got a smiley from the Liberals," said Stewart-Olsen.

- 30 -

posted by Mentok @ 3:27 p.m., ,

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Rash of Copperfield Pregnancies Sweeps America

Pool guy Chavez
witnessed Copperfield impregnating gold-digger

Los Angeles (FN) - Illusionist David Copperfield has been a busy man according to dozens of women nationwide who are now claiming he has magically impregnated them.

Last week, Copperfield announced that his next major illusion would involve making a woman pregnant without physical contact.

Since then, scores of unexpectedly pregnant women have claimed Copperfield has already repeatedly performed the amazing stunt.

Mary Golding-Hutchings, a 25-year old resident of Beverly Hills is two months pregnant in spite of the fact that she and her husband, 57-year-old investment banker Gordon Hutchings have not had sex in over a year. In an event witnessed by pool maintenance man Rodrigo Chavez, Copperfield levitated above the couple's Beverly Hills home and chanted "Presto, Impregno!"

Teen swears illusionist knocked her up

Parents of Betty McTaggart, a 16-year old Cleveland high school student who is three months pregnant, are asking police to arrest Copperfield for interfering with a minor. The illusionist allegedly visited a local mall where he spotted Ms. Mctaggart, waved his hand and shouted "Zap, you're pregnant!"

"Betty is a very honest girl, so if she says that's how it happened, then that's how it happened as far as we're concerned," said Betty's father.

In Florida, apparently on the same day as the McTaggart incident, Copperfield rang the door-bell of housewife Julie Simmons. The magician muttered "Abra-ka-pregno", turned tail and left.

Armstrong says he'll get magician for making his friend's wife pregnant

Simmons' husband, Bob, described by friends as a shy accountant, declined to be interviewed. However, his long-time friend Chad Armstrong vowed revenge.

"I've known both of them since college. Bob is my best buddy and Julie is a very beautiful, loving person. I am shocked that someone would come between a husband and wife like this. I will not rest until I see this Mr. Copperfield brought to justice," said Armstrong.

- 30 -

posted by Mentok @ 3:37 p.m., ,

Sunday, June 11, 2006

New York Selected As Locale For Toronto Terrorism Movie

posted by Mentok @ 8:38 p.m., ,

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Canadian PM Harper Misunderstands Terrorist "Beheading" Threat

posted by Mentok @ 4:56 p.m., ,

Utah Tops Math Scores

Salt Lake City, UT (FN) - Polygamy is not only fun, it's educational. That's the finding of a new national math survey that put the residents of Utah on top for general math skills.

Brigham Osmond, head of the state Department of Education, says he isn't suprised.

"Working with numbers is something of a special endowment for people in Utah. Heck, if you are planning a family gathering, you almost have to use calculus to figure out how many legitimate paternal first cousins to invite,"said Osmond.

Officials with the Church of Latter-Day Saints, the prevalent religion in the state, maintain that Utah residents' facility for math is part of God's design for the state.

"The old saying goes that knowledge is power. Math skills are part of the words of wisdom that has set us apart from the gentiles and defines our mission to spread God's word," says Bishop Donald Young.

Local educators deny that the religion has any particular influence on math skills.

"I think it's just that the people of Utah have worked hard to build a good economy so that we can afford a world-class education system," said Salt Lake City public school teacher Abraham Osmond-Young.